Following months of rumors and allegations about his bad behavior, pervy Box boss Simon Hammerstein has finally been slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit by the Porcelain Twinz, two of the venue's best-known performers until they quit last summer. The burlesque dancers have been putting on a kinky act for years, but they claim it never involved engaging in "incestuous sexual relations with each other," at least not until they met Hammerstein and he forced them to put on "twincest" shows at the venue. They also say he demanded oral sex in exchange for free housing and, later, so he would sign on as a guarantor on a rental apartment. That doesn't strike us as the worst deal in the world (even accounting for Hammerstein's all-around grossness), but we imagine a judge probably won't see it that way.

With Valentine's Day almost upon us, you'll be seeing countless news stories about love, dating, and all the delightful trappings of the chocolate and flower industries' annual celebration of romance. Unfortunately, Slate had to come along and sully this sacred holiday with a look at, of all things, "male enhancement" products. We'll protect your delicate sensibilities from too many of the sordid details, but suffice it to say the reporter, following extensive research, isn't prepared to endorse either enlargement pills, weights, pumps, or surgical augmentation. Not that he actually tries any of these out himself, of course—or if he does, he keeps understandably quiet about it. [Slate]

• Viacom reported a 69 percent drop in its fourth-quarter profit today. [NYT]
• Vibe is cutting back to 10 issues a year and merging its print and digital operations. It's also slashing pay and adopting a four-day workweek. [AdAge]
• Sirius XM is looking to sell the company to Liberty Media in order to fend off a takeover by satellite entrepreneur Charles Ergen. [WSJ, NYT]
• Paul Allen's Charter Communications may file Chapter 11 by April. [THR]
• Scene from Domino's death party last night. [Gawker]
• Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds will hit theaters this August. [RB]

Dealbreaker has some very useful "dos" and "don'ts" if you happen to be a financial fraudster still at large, and you're currently planning your flight from justice. "Don't: Wear expensive cowboy boots and show the flight crew your hoard of $4 to $5 million in gold. Yes. They are very impressed. And now they will never, ever forget your face." [Dealbreaker]

As fashion designers struggle for survival in an economic environment that's seeing even the most profligate clothing whores balk at spending thousands on new outfits, a revolutionary idea has been proposed. Make sure you're sitting down, because you won't ever have heard the likes of this before: Believe it or not, it's being suggested that in order to stay in business, designers make clothes that people like. We know, this is so far from the dream that puts fire in the bellies of starry-eyed young Parsons students, but Diane von Furstenberg, nothing if not a fashion survivor herself, believes that runway shows ought to be unveiling "clothes that are real friends to women, so that 'friend' will make you feel good when you open your closet." As opposed to the usual enemies that make you feel bad! It's a risky proposition, but hey, with everything else we thought we understood about the world now turned upside down, it might just work.

Kate Winslet walking her daughter Mia to school ... Veronica Webb hailing a cab on Bleecker Street ... Terry Richardson sitting outside a Starbucks in Soho ... Ed Harris arriving at JFK ... Gretchen Mol pushing her son in a stroller in the West Village ... Shia Labeouf walking by himself downtown ... Naomi Watts leaving her apartment in Noho ... Jessica Simpson arriving at LaGuardia ... Lucy Liu walking her dog ... Isla Fisher shopping with her daughter Olive at FAO Schwarz ... Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy walking in Soho ... and Lily Allen leaving the Waverly Inn.

While you may be feeling sorry for yourself now that you've been laid off from your job and you're spending afternoons watching reality TV reruns on your couch, at least your couch isn't located in Dubai. The Times reports today on just how bad the situation has become in the former construction capital of the world. At this time last year Americans were jumping on jets to move to the boomtown, attracted by cushy jobs, fancy digs (and perhaps tasty Middle Eastern cuisine). Now? Not so much.

The answering machine at the home of "Countess" LuAnn de Lesseps of Real Houswives fame.

Did Confessions of a Shopaholic author Sophie Kinsella slip something into David Colman's spritzer when they lunched at Bergdorf's, or was he simply so blissed-out by a visit to his favorite place in the world that he decided to redefine the term "puff piece" when writing up the interview for the Times? The movie, which opens tomorrow and stars Isla Fisher and a parade of Patricia Field outfits, is not poorly timed at all, nor a glorification of shopping, we learn, but functions as "a comical allegory for the last 15 years."

• Looking for a summer rental in the Hamptons? New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine's estate in Sagaponack is available! You can occupy the 6,200-square-foot home from Memorial Day to Labor Day for $900,000. [Newsday, Sotheby's]
• Fashion designer (and former Marc Jacobs protege) Richard Chai paid $2 million for a 2,300-square-foot apartment at 25 Ann Street. [Cityfile]
• Indie actor Kevin Corrigan (Walking and Talking, True Romance) and his wife Elizabeth Berridge (Amadeus) have sold their fourth-floor apartment at 321 Greenwich Street for $2.39 million. [Cityfile]

Pat Field turns 67 today. Director Darren Aronofsky is turning 40. Christina Ricci is 29. Josh Brolin is 41. Senator Arlen Specter is 79. Chef Andrew Carmellini is turning 38. Nutritionist Oz Garcia is 58. Ed Lover turns 46. Literary agent Nicole Aragi is 47. Writer Judy Blume is turning 71. Fonzworth Bentley is 35. Chynna Phillips is 41. And Arsenio Hall is celebrating his 54th birthday today.

• After their CEOs took a pounding yesterday, it's possible that banks like JP Morgan and Morgan Stanley would just as soon give the bailout money back rather than have to battle legislators at every turn. [BN]
• More on yesterday's Wall Street-Washington showdown. [WSJ]
• Nearly 700 people made $1 million or more at Merrill in 2008. [DB, WSJ]
• Stocks have been falling over concern about rising unemployment numbers and fear that the stimulus plan just won't be enough to right the ship. [BN]
• Tim Geithner is responding to critics over his revised bailout plan. [NYT]
• Yet another large investment firm is now under investigation. [BN]
• A Morgan Stanley exec in China is under investigation by the SEC. [DB]
• In slightly better news, retail sales are up slightly. [BN]

• Madonna is supposedly furious with Alex Rodriguez for returning to his ex-wife Cynthia after the steroid scandal broke a few days ago; we're guessing she won't be too happy with the pics of A-Rod partying with a group of girls in the Bahamas the weekend before, either. [NYDN, NYP]
• Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams are engaged. [People, P6]
• Cops will reinterview Rihanna and Chris Brown in the coming days. [NYDN]
• Mort Zuckerman had a nice, long, expensive lunch at the Four Seasons right after slashing benefits at the Daily News. [P6]
• Prince Harry has been ordered to undergo "sensitivity training." [People]

• Richie Rich is back. Traver Rains won't be by his side, but Richie will show a solo collection during Fashion Week, and muses Amanda Lepore and Lydia Hearst will be in attendance, natch. [WWD]
• Proof that bling really is dead: Kimora Lee Simmons says she's toning down, since "now's not the time to be running all over and flaunting the money that we don't have." [WSJ]
• André Leon Talley's interview with Michelle Obama from the March issue of Vogue is now online. [Style.com]
• A roundup of what's left of the fall/winter collection at various stores. [MAS]
• A list of Valentine's Day-inspired goodies. [Pipeline]
• Remember Rachel Zoe's lawsuit last week? Yea, well, t-shirt designer Christopher Sauvé isn't putting up with any of it. [NYM]
• You can rest easier now. Jessica Simpson is launching a luggage line. [SW]

The CEOs of eight big banks appeared on Capitol Hill today to take a beating before the House Financial Services Committee. Not surprisingly, members of the committee spent much of the day squeezing in bits designed to earn points with constituents, an amusing reminder that the only thing worse than Wall Street chief executives taking taxpayer dollars to lavish them on employees are semi-literate Washington bureaucrats in cheap ties looking to score airtime on KWCH in Wichita.

• Fat Hippo has opened in the space that used to house 71 Clinton. [GS]
• The Times's Frank Bruni gives out two stars today to April Bloomfield and Ken Friedman's "putatively British" John Dory. [NYT]
• A number of struggling restaurants are planning to stay open until just after they "make their nut" on Valentine's Day. [NYO]
• There was an electrical fire at 10 Downing last night. [Eater]
• Some genius is trying to open a "ping pong social club." Todd Oldham is designing it and it will be sponsored by Fred Perry. [NYO]
• Please refrain from calling Gordon Ramsay a "cook." He's a chef. [EMD]

If you're in desperate need of a laugh today (or you're just looking for something to offend your politically correct sensibilities), have a look at this video clip from a wacky Japanese game show. It features a couple of actors dressed up as Barack and Michelle Obama. Performing magic tricks. Consider it a little palate cleanser before you sit down to watch more dispiriting news about the economy on cable television tonight.

The world is coming to an end! Prepare for the apocalypse! Okay, not really, but you'd be excused for feeling that way if you've been listening to anything that Nouriel Roubini, Nassim Nicholas Taleb, or James Grant has to say these days. Fortunately, you can separate the people who are expressing legitimate worry from the people who are just making a mint by scaring the shit out of you with this handy list of "seven attention-hungry doomsayers." [TDB]

Now that the secret is out, it looks like Bruce Wasserstein and new wife Angela Chao are happy to hit the town and pose for photographers. The happy couple made their first public appearance together at Elaine's last night, turning up at Interview's party honoring Patrick McMullan. And Bruce even ditched his tie for the occasion, which suggests Chao's youthfulness is already having an effect on the 61-year-old financier/media mogul. We'll just have to hope it stops there and we don't see him dressed in tight jeans and studded tees anytime soon.

Dolly Lenz set records in 2006 when she sold an astounding $748 million worth of real estate. (Or so she claims, at least.) Max Abelson files a report in this week's Observer about Dolly's much rockier 2008-09 and the decision to drop the Blackberry-obsessed broker from three very high-profile new projects in recent months. But Dolly's recent stumbles won't prevent her from stepping up to the podium at the Pierre tomorrow night when Prudential Douglas Elliman's hands out its "Broker of the Year" award: "Just as it's been since Dottie Herman and Howard Lorber bought the company in 2003, and as it will be until the day onyx bathrooms and heated-floor kitchens all cease to exist, the award will go to Dolly Lenz." [NYO]