TD Bank revealed last week that it planned to continue expanding across the city. One person who isn't so thrilled to see the former Commerce Bank take over NYC: Police Commissioner Ray Kelly, who sent off an angry letter to TD management this week because he says the company doesn't do enough to prevent robberies. Case in point: Robbers have hit 11 TD branches so far this year and in one of the more recent incidents, the bandit only managed to successfully rip off TD after he failed at three Chase branches beforehand. Kelly is now demanding the bank install barriers in front of tellers' windows, eye-level cameras, and "countertops designed to leave clear fingerprints." (Creepy!) Also: Holding up banks seems to be turning into a popular recession-time activity: Bank robberies jumped 57% in 2008 and are up 26% through March 1 of this year.

Fun With Amazon [Bakelblog]

Michael Wolff is a lousy husband and, as we learned today, a lousy son-in-law, too. If you'd like to take a look at the lawsuit filed against Wolff and his wife by 85-year-old Edith Anthoine—she claims the pair tried to force her out of her apartment—we posted a copy of it below. Earlier we listed one way Condé Nast could save a few bucks as it embarks on another round of budget cuts. Here's one more: terminate Michael Wolff's contract with Vanity Fair. We're no lawyers or anything, but we have a feeling that sleeping with an intern constitutes just cause.

• Got an idea for how Arthur Sulzberger Jr. might be able to rescue the struggling New York Times? He now says he'll "consider anything." [NYO]
• Hachette plans to leave Midtown for cheaper space near Wall Street. [NYP]
• Josh Schwartz is finishing the pilot for an as-yet-untitled Gossip Girl spin-off that will be tied into GG's season finale on May 11. [NYO]
• Depressing: The story of the 55-year-old former TV Guide editor who is now an unpaid intern—yes, unpaid intern—at wowOwow.com. [LAT]
• Why did Jon Stewart go off on Rick Santelli? An unnamed "on-air host" claims Stewart is "bizarrely obsessed with" with the CNBC reporter. [Dealbreaker]
• Speaking of Stewart, Slate's The Big Money would like you remind you that Jon Stewart is not actually a journalist. Yea, thanks for that. [TBM]

Won't it be strange when the media stops pointing out that every single element of our lives is being dictated by the bad economy and joblessness, and fear of the economy worsening and of becoming jobless? Judging by the latest round of gloomy statistics, that won't be the case for at least a year, so in the meantime, have you heard? Divorce, once the great equalizer, is now a fancy luxury purchase that people can't afford!

Beautiful models have been the downfall of many men, and Anthony Weiner, it appears, is no exception: The congressman who proposed expanding the number of visas available to foreign models last year is now being accused of accepting campaign contributions from the same models his proposal would have helped—women like Jessica Stam, May Andersen, and Thalita De Oliveira—for his upcoming mayoral campaign. The problem, of course, is that these models aren't allowed to make political contributions since they are not U.S. citizens. On the plus side, though, this may be the first scandal in history involving a politician and a gaggle of beautiful models that has absolutely nothing to with sex. Oh, poor Anthony.

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Bernie Madoff plea deal may be in the works. Prosecutors filed a notice this morning that they will file a new criminal information against him if he decides to waive indictment. "Often, new criminal informations are filed in connection with a plea deal, but not always." [WSJ]

Things are not looking up at Condé Nast, the publishing conglomerate controlled by shadowy billionaire Si Newhouse. Yesterday, Chuck Townsend, the company's CEO, sent around a memo warning that "difficult decisions" would have to be made "to ensure our financial well-being," and insiders suggest a big budget cut is imminent. What to do? Well, here's one way to start: Si Newhouse and his nephew Steve should really have their assistants fill out the forms so they get the unclaimed funds in their names returned to them by the New York State Office of the Comptroller. Uncashed checks, stock dividends, credit balances: There could be a fortune there! Or, at the very least, enough to save the job of a lowly assistant or two. After the jump, a list of what Si and Steve are owed by American Express, Aetna Health, the State of Louisiana, Tiffany & Co., and a handful of banks.

We cannot imagine why, but Paris authorities decided, of all the weeks in the year, to pick Fashion Week for a series of drug raids! Even more surprising, the chief executive of Elite Models' parent company Elite World, Bertrand Hennet, has been arrested for buying, possessing, and transporting cocaine. Police said that the 35-year-old "openly admitted that he had just bought £120 worth of cocaine, but consumed it before we got to him." The true mark of a dedicated junkie: When police are hammering at the door, don't throw your stash down the toilet, just snort it as quickly as possible!

• The mystery buyer who paid $30 million for a penthouse at 145 Hudson Street—and who the New York Times described as "not an investment banker or the manager of a hedge fund"—is none other than convicted felon William Duker, the attorney (and now private investor) who was sentenced to 33 months in prison in 1997 for falsely inflating legal bills to the federal government. [Real Deal]
• William and Pat Buckley's duplex at 778 Park, which was put on the market for $24.5 million last June, has been taken off the market. [NYM]
• Broadway producer Anita Waxman and her husband, Tom Dokton, the inventor of the ultrasound, have lowered the price of their 39-acre estate in Connecticut. It's now listed for $3.95 million. [WSJ]
• Former U.S. Rep. Christopher Shays—who is reportedly being considered by President Obama to head the Peace Corps—says he'll be putting his waterfront home in Connecticut on the market "within a week." [GT]

20/20 co-anchor John Stossel turns 62 today, which means that mustache of his has been planted on his face for close to four decades now. Comedian and recently-axed CNN host D.L. Hughley is turning 46. New York Philharmonic director Lorin Maazel is 79. Adolfo Carrion, Barack Obama's new director of the White House Office of Urban Affairs, is 48. Composer Stephen Schwartz is turning 61. Film director/producer Rob Reiner is 62. Disgraced Wall Streeter Ivan Boesky is 72. Gabriel García Márquez is 82. Shaquille O'Neal is turning 37. Tom Arnold is 50. And a hospitalized Ed McMahon turns 86 today. Weekend birthdays below!

That $50 billion that Bernie Madoff allegedly stole from investors? Yea, well, it seems he lied about that, too. Although it was Madoff who provided the figure to the authorities after he was arrested, "it is becoming increasingly clear that the number may be as fictitious as the sprawling fraud that he allegedly ran." No one seems to know what the real number is yet, but "some believe it's less than $20 billion." [AP]

• It was clear that Michael Wolff was a bad husband and a bad boss. But now it looks like he's a lousy son, too. Wolff is being sued by his poor 85-year-old mother-in-law for trying to evict her from her one-bedroom apartment so he could sell it and collect a profit. [P6]
• Chris Brown appeared in court yesterday and was charged with assault and making criminal threats. He faces four years in state prison if convicted. [NYP, Us]
• Marc Anthony touched the leg of a woman other than JLo, which means he was either "flirting with danger" or just being nice to a "longtime friend." [Star]
• Just another typical Friday: Amy Winehouse has been charged with assault for punching a fan last year. [Reuters]

• The unemployment rate jumped to 8.1% last month, the highest it's been since December 1983 and above expectations for an 8% rate. [WSJ, NYT, BN]
• A "trading irregularity" at Merrill may have cost the firm hundreds of millions of dollars. Naturally, no one seemed to notice any of this until after the bank was acquired by BofA and Merrill handed out record bonuses. [BN, DB]
• Wells Fargo has slashed its quarterly dividend to a nickel a share. [WSJ]
• Citigroup may sell its stake in Japan's second-largest online broker. [DB]
• Would you like to invest in the bailout? You may get your chance. [WaPo]
• Did you lose your finance job? How about a job at Cantor Fitzgerald? [DB]

Eliot Spitzer has made his first major real estate deal since taking over the property firm founded by his father, reports the Wall Street Journal. The ex-governor is paying $180 million to acquire a 13-story office building in Washington, DC. The strange part? It's one block from the Mayflower Hotel, where Spitzer spent some memorable time with a young lady by the name of Ashley Dupre.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta won't be the next surgeon general. The White House confirmed today that Gupta has withdrawn his name from consideration, reportedly so he can spend more time with his family and continue practicing medicine (and preside over his growing media empire, of course). Sadly, the man who has emerged as the frontrunner for the job, Dr. Irwin Redlener (left), isn't nearly as cute, although this does remove a significant obstacle to Tim Geithner's quest to take home the prize as hottest member of Obama's inner circle. [NYT]

• CBS's Morley Safer on following around Anna Wintour from Fashion Week in NYC to Milan and now to Paris: "It's only slightly less dangerous than covering wars... In Milan, it was about the same as covering Vietnam." [NYT]
• Reviews from the Balmain and Balenciaga shows at Paris Fashion Week. [Times UK, Telegraph]
• The end of an era: Olivier Theyskens showed off what was quite likely his last collection for Nina Ricci in Paris this evening. [WWD, WSJ]
• Gareth Pugh is planning to launch a line of shoes and makeup. [WWD]
• Liz Claiborne reported a massive loss for the fourth quarter. [NYP]
• David's Bridal invaded Manhattan today. [Racked]
• Chanel Iman will join Bar Refaeli as host of MTV's new House of Style. [F'gie]

• A roundup of restaurants that may close in the near future if you don't do your part and patronize them. Like soon. Thanks for your cooperation. [CS]
• One thing to look forward at Keith McNally's revamped Minetta Tavern: A $26 Black Label burger that doesn't even come with fries. For shame! [TONY]
• Frank Bruni's thoughts on tipping: Never give less than 15% unless the service is "unequivocally dismal," but 17-18% if it's "above-average." [NYT]
• Speaking of tipping, ABC News's roundup of crappy celebrity tippers includes Madonna, Mariah, Gwyneth, and sushi addict Jeremy Piven. [ABC News]
• Tahini on Third Avenue has been closed by the Department of Health. [DBTH]
• Gordon Ramsay is having some money trouble, just so you know. [Gawker]
• Despite what the Times reported three weeks ago, going out to pricey lunches at places like Michael's and the Four Seasons is chic again. Yay. [AdAge]

Our friends at the Observer report that you can now pick up a copy of your favorite salmon-colored weekly at select Starbucks locations around town. The NYO website even has a handy little map that will show you which outposts are now stocking the paper. Yes, one of them appears to be floating in the Hudson River off 31st Street, but it's possible that Starbucks recently introduced a floating café and we weren't notified. Either way, enjoy! [NYO]

It was another crappy day on Wall Street. The Dow fell 281 points, or 4.1 percent, and shares of Citigroup dropped below a dollar this morning before closing out the session at $1.02. You won't find much good news on the job front: A new report indicates the city has seen a whopping 85,400 jobs vanish since August. So is there any good news to report? Michael Jackson made a rare public appearance today to confirm he's staging a comeback tour, so if that serves as any consolation, well, we're glad to hear it. [CNN, NYT]