Want to see what a chop shop looks like? How about a money laundering front? Ever wonder what it's like to have "young men congregating on corners" stare at you "evilly as if you could be their ATM"? You're in luck! Guardian Angels founder Curtis Sliwa has introduced just such an expedition to the South Bronx, which he's calling "The Underbelly Tour." For a taste of what Sliwa is now offering to "business groups" for $5,000 a pop, you can have a look at his insane introductory video here. [Gothamist]

• Ian Schrager is bringing in some firepower to the Gramercy Park Hotel: Danny Meyer's Union Square Hospitality will take over space formerly occupied by Wakiya, and David Rockwell will handle the design, although the "Italian-inspired" restaurant doesn't have a chef or name just yet. [NYT]
• In a chat with the Observer, Meyer says he's "intrigued by the possibilities" of working with Schrager. He also says he has no plans to take over the Rainbow Room, and remains undecided about a bid for Tavern on the Green. [NYO]
• Rumor has it Todd English is out at The Libertine at the Gild Hall hotel. [TFB]
• Keith McNally's Minetta Tavern has added a late-night menu. [GS]
• A group of sad Beatrice Inn regulars gathered at the Cooper Square Hotel on Friday night. In attendance: one-half of the Olsen twins, Chloe Sevigny, and "some skinny guys with mustaches," naturally. [DBTH]
• The sandwich shop Crosby Connection opened on Bleecker today. [Eater]
• The best street food in NYC, at least according to the Post. [NYP]

And you thought Wall Street was struggling. Goldman Sachs announced a first-quarter profit of $1.66 billion today, a 13 percent bump from what the bank earned during the quarter of 2007. Goldman also announced plans to raise $5 billion via a stock offering so it can pay back Washington the $10 billion it's received in bailout funds thus far. But don't mistake this for a grand civic gesture on the part of Goldman chief Lloyd Blankfein.

The outgoing voicemail message at the home of author, Vanity Fair columnist and torture victim Christopher Hitchens actually rhymes. How adorable! [Jossip]

Columbia University psychology professor David Buckner appeared on Glenn Beck's show on Fox News this afternoon. Based on the clip above, we're guessing Beck probably won't be inviting him back again any time soon. At least not without a note from his doctor. [YouTube]

That was quick. It's been just 24 hours since Navy commandos took out the pirates holding Captain Richard Phillips hostage, and there's already a reality TV show in the works. Spike announced today that it plans to produce a show about U.S. Navy "pirate hunters." The idea isn't new; it was under discussion long before the most recent drama on the high seas. But the hostage situation aboard the Maersk Alabama apparently helped convince the Navy to cooperate. "We had no idea if last week's events would actually kill the deal or seal the deal," said a Spike exec. Excellent choice of words! Fortunately for reality TV obsessives—and less fortunately for the pirates—the Navy Seals were the only ones doing the killing this weekend.

Dozens of stores have closed their doors in recent months and as you've probably noticed, very few have been replaced by new tenants. Both Jeremiah's Vanishing New York and EV Grieve have been collecting photos of the retail horror show unfolding across town, although we're going to have to award the store pictured above—located on East Sixth Street near Avenue A—as the most depressing (and most reminicent of the scary old NYC you see in photos from the '70s). Of course, if you happen to know of one that's worse, feel free to let us know about it.

• Amazon.com is in the hot seat for stripping gay and lesbian books of their sales rankings, something the bookseller is now calling a "glitch." [EW, WSJ]
• MSNBC is reportedly in the process of developing a weekend political show to be moderated by chief White House correspondent Chuck Todd. [NYO]
• More bad news for barely-living BlackBook: its longtime fashion director is out. And Jann Wenner's marketing chief is leaving Wenner Media. [WWD]
• Alpha Media has laid off a handful of employees at Maxim, including deputy editor Chris Wilson and editor-at-large Steve Garbarino. [NYO]
• Magazines are looking to raise subscription rates to save themselves. [NYT]

If Botox-maker Allergan gets its way, one day the injectable poison, currently best known for its ability to turn foreheads into ironing-boards, will be the treatment of choice for every ailment under the sun, from migraines to enlarged prostates to speech impediments. Nothing else, marvels an Allergan scientist, "has so many demonstrated uses." And even if those uses haven't actually been discovered or verified yet, the company isn't taking any chances that a toxin-peddling competitor will cash in: It currently has more than 90 patents in place or pending for different applications of the drug:

Don't be too tough on yourself if you've ever mixed up Poppy de Villeneuve and Poppy Delevigne. Both are British, both are socialites, both work in fashion (de Villeneuve is a photographer, Delevigne is a model) and both went to the same school—Bedales in West Sussex. So what's the best way to tell them apart? By the company they keep, of course, since de Villeneuve is "often seen downtown" while Delevigne is "spotted at more uptown functions." Problem solved! [NYO]

A Manhattan fertility doctor named Joel Batzofin is now offering a "recession special, "test-tube babies at bargain-basement prices," according to the Daily News. Of course, if a couple can't afford a standard course of in vitro fertilization, it's unclear how they'd be able to afford one kid, much less the multiple children that often result from IVF. But it's possible that Batzofin's "recession special" guarantees octoplets, in which case it could just be the perfect cure-all for financial problems, at least if recent history is any guide. [NYDN]

Larry King eating lunch at Michael's ... Heidi Klum returning to her hotel in Soho with an armful of kids' clothes and toys ... Michelle Williams and Spike Jonze going to breakfast with Matilda in Brooklyn ... Denzel Washington sitting in an SUV outside his hotel in Midtown ... Chace Crawford carrying a cup of coffee in the West Village ... Katy Perry leaving her hotel in Midtown ... Iman shopping in Soho ... Whitney Houston arriving at LaGuardia ... Matthew Broderick leaving his West Village townhouse ... Rachel Zoe walking by herself ... Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr leaving dinner at One Lucky Duck on East 19th Street ... and Martin Scorsese standing on the sidewalk with wife Helen and daughters Domenica and Francesca following Easter dinner in Midtown.

Padma Lakshmi takes it off for the April issue of Allure, which the mag dubs its "Nude Issue." In the accompanying Q&A, Padma says she enjoys spending her free time in the buff, since she's a "sensual-leaning woman." Let's all take a moment to be thankful that Padma's boyfriend, Teddy Forstmann, doesn't spend his free time attired in quite the same manner:

Watching your favorite shows on TV is a vital part of life, although it does cut into precious shopping time, right? Bravo to the rescue: Going one step further from lucrative sponsorship tie-ins like Tresemmé for Project Runway, the network will soon be promoting and selling its own specially-manufactured products on its highest-rated shows. So fear not: When you spot the Kooba bags worn by the girls in NYC Prep, the forthcoming reality show about rich Manhattan teens, you'll be instantly prompted to go to Bravo's website and order one for $595; same goes for wine, flowers, and knives featured on Top Chef, the winning outfit on Runway-ripoff The Fashion Show, and so forth.

Bernie Madoff is behind bars, but other members of the family are growing concerned that they may be joining him in the near future. The Post reports today that two members of the disgraced clan, including Shana Madoff, Bernie's shoe-loving niece, have contacted a consultant who helps white-collar criminals learn how to survive in prison.

• Jane Beasley, the ex-wife of former GE chief Jack Welch, has put her 3,663-square-foot condo at the Trump International up for sale. Beasley acquired the apartment in 2003 as part of her divorce settlement with Welch. It now can be yours for $28.8 million. [Cityfile, Trump Realty]
• Dr. Gary Roubin, an interventional cardiologist at Lenox Hill Hospital, and his wife Peta have gone into contract to sell their 6,800-square-foot carriage house at 168 East 73rd Street. The six-bedroom home, which includes penthouse terrace, garden, and outdoor basketball court, was most recently listed for $22 million. [Cityfile, SSNYC]
• Ernst & Young executive Deborah Whitmore and her husband Kenneth paid $4 million for a penthouse condo at 140 West 22nd Street. [Cityfile]

Conan sidekick Max Weinberg turns 58 today. Actor Paul Sorvino is turning 70. Writer Christopher Hitchens is turning 60. Caroline Rhea is 45. Chef Bill Telepan is 43. Hedge fund manager Glenn Dubin turns 52. Times music critic Anthony Tommasini is turning 61. Kyle Howard, the TV actor and boyfriend of Lauren Conrad, is 31. Knicks star Quentin Richardson is 29. Al Green turns 63. And Rick Schroder, the actor whose career peaked when he played "Ricky" on Silver Spoons, is 39.

• Madonna's most recent effort to change hearts and minds in Malawi: She pleaded her case in a letter to the country's Nation newspaper, writing that she wants to provide Mercy "with a home, a loving family environment and the best education and health care possible." [Us, NYP]
• Madonna may want to take a cue from Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt: The couple had their adoption request turned down by Bhutan recently, but they're now moving on to the Philippines, according to Britain's Daily Mail. [NYDN]
• Kipton Cronkite's life appears to be headed downhill: The art world scenester has lost his job and apartment, and he's living rent-free with a rich teenager on the Lower East Side. [P6]
• Ruth Madoff will have to find a new stylist: She's been banned from the Pierre Michel Salon "out of respect for the salon's other customers." [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan's mental condition isn't improving: Friends now say she "barely sleeps" anymore, and she "can't even sit down for a minute without pacing around the room." [People]

We hate to be the bearers of bad news, but despite what you may have heard earlier on Eyewitness News or 1010 WINS earlier today, Lil' Kim is not interested in becoming the next mayor of Hoboken. It turns out the story was circulated by a man claiming to be the rapper's publicist. Not that she necessarily minded the rumor: She described it as "flattering" in an interview with Extra, which means you may still be able to convince her to take part if you act quickly enough. [NYDN]

• It looks like Geoffrey Zakarian's Town has closed its doors. [GS]
• A roundup of other spots that have closed in the last couple of days. [Eater]
• More cheerful: This roundup of places slated to open next week. [TONY]
• Jim Lahey has a few, not-so-kind words for Times critic Frank Bruni, who had the audacity to award Lahey's Co. a single star earlier this week. [NYO]
• Why was the Beatrice Inn shuttered this week? It may have been the work of "haters" who "couldn't get in," explains Chloë Sevigny. [GS]