· While Britney Spears' lawyers were drafting divorce papers on Monday, Kevin Federline (who almost instantaneously acquired the moniker "Fed-Ex" since news of the split) was doing an interview with MuchMusic in support of the rap career which now, tragically, becomes his sole means of support not involving the "borrowing" of meal money from Sean Preston and Jayden James during his weekend visitation window. At some point during the interview, Federline received a text message, turned ashen, and left the table for half an hour, perhaps indicating that was the moment he learned his marriage was over, putting him only a year or so behind the average InTouch reader. In the above video of the scene, you can almost see the sparkle drain from his bling. [via PerezHilton]
· Federline brags that he would've been famous by now without Britney, then about the ridiculousness of his watch and kick games. We expect that both games will become somewhat less ridiculous once he starts selling off their parts for rent money. [Salon, ad-watching req'd]
· Will K-Fed use a custody battle to extract some of the money that the ironclad Massey prenup protecting Spears' pop-tart fortune prevents him from getting? Yes, we expect that he will, or he's going to have to sell one of the babies at the first unsupervised opportunity. Guy's gotta eat. [TMZ.com]
· If they were forced to pinpoint the exact moment that Britney's love for Kevin died, Us would pick that time Spears stormed out of his album release party at Xenii on Halloween. But really, there are so many to choose from that this is mostly a pointless exercise. [Us Weekly]
We don't know about you, but we've been thinking of one thing only since the Britney divorce news broke (seriously, Democrats whaa? BRITNEY!): what, exactly, kept Brit stuck in a K-hole so long, besides the fact that she was perpetually pregs? It was the greasy, cheeto-flavored sexin', right? Well, now we can all judge for ourselves: our whorey brother has thoughtfully posted nineteen seconds of what purports to be the famous Britney sex tape. We were suspicious, but it does look an awful lot like her overplucked eyebrows and greasy, Nice'n'Easy black hair hovering over a respectably large, uncircumcised ween (you just know K-Fed is uncut.) To get the goods, you'll have to head on over to Fleshbot (again, for like the fourth time today already, we know).
Just when we thought it was safe to finally stop thinking about the newly single Britney Spears for a few hours and watch the election returns, an IM from one of our porn-surfing spies arrived, directing us to a clip claiming to be the "Britney Spears & K-Fed Sex Tape," a 19-second scene starring what appears to be Spears herself (or a pretty good Spears-a-like—it still looks like her, even after dozens and dozens of viewings) enthusiastically administering a hearty hummer to her unseen then-househusband. Given the timing of the appearance of the footage, we assume that it's a highlight from the divorcing couple's rumored connubial sex production that a judge today ruled couldn't possibly hurt Spears' reputation, given that the pop-tartlet's brand is built on openly trading on her "modern sexuality." We may wake up to an inbox full of debunking messages, but for now, the video's conspicuously prominent title makes us think that we might soon be introduced to a website (like this one) hawking a product that finally shows us what Chaotic could have been had talent-hostile UPN not shortsightedly prevented the duo from thoroughly exploring the erotic possibilities of their handheld camerawork.
UPDATE: Filth-loving sister site Fleshbot is now proudly embedding the clip, in all its lusty, handjobbing glory.
Our long national nightmare is over. Cue the dancing in the streets! We're being serious here, actually — we are sincerely thrilled for our favorite down home girl/woman right now. TMZ is reporting that Britney has finally pulled the plug on her leechy husband, citing irreconcilable diffs and asking for full legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jaeden Blu or whatever. "Sources tell TMZ there was no single reason for Britney pulling the plug, rather, it was 'a string of events.'" Yeah, noooo shit.
TMZ.com breaks the tragic news the world has been patiently awaiting ever since it was revealed that Britney Spears would be following up her first, Vegas-binge-enabled marriage with an even more ill-advised one to a background dancer with the ability to impregnate his better-employed companions with nothing more than a smirking, sidelong glance: She's finally divorcing househusband Kevin Federline, a move that should surprise no one save a single, shotgun-married Inland Empire couple too busy with their trailer park meth lab to realize that some unions are doomed from their poorly conceived, impossibly white-trashy start. Spears wants the kids—both of them, even the old, slightly damaged one!—an arrangement we'll assume is fine with Federline, who will have no problem restocking his shorty supply with the help of the lone groupie who shows up to each stop on his whirlwind, sparsely attended concert tour.
In what is certain to be a landmark decision enabling the tabloid media to tie virtually any sluttily marketed celebrity presence to participation in possibly nonexistent amateur sex productions with their poorly chosen partners, a judge has ruled that Britney Spears can't be defamed by rumors that she has participated in the video documentation of the earliest, most penetrative stages of the baby-making process with vaguely vampiric househusband Kevin Federline, letting Us Weekly off the hook for their story that the couple feared the release of a tape featuring their erotic adventures. Chastiseth Lady Justice, offended that Spears thinks she has a reputation to damage:
Hide the cheetos. Britney Spears' lawsuit against Us Weekly, in which she claimed that that magazine had libeled her — not by reporting that she and KFed had made a sex tape (well, duh! Wasn't it called "Chaotic?"), but by saying that she had "acted goofy" while watching the tape in her lawyer's office — has been dismissed. The judge, not being a complete retard, saw right through that one and ruled that since Brit had "put her modern sexuality squarely, and profitably, before the public eye," the magazine had not defamed her. Hear that, Britney? Put your modern sexuality away now. Please. Please please.
Britney Spears' Libel Suit Dismissed [AHN]
Sales may not be brisk for Kevin Federline's upcoming East Coast dates, but he's all but guaranteed an enthusiastic hometown welcome when he takes the KIIS FM Stage at tonight's West Hollywood Halloween Carnaval at 8:45. The appearance comes in support of his album, "Playing With Fire," which had its nicely timed debut on record store shelves and iTunes today. ("Be the first to write a review," Apple's online music store plaintively solicits, as K-Fed stares out blankly from behind a desk on his album cover, as though he were hosting one of his own inevitably underattended CD signings.) And while coming to the festivities dressed up as Britney's background-dancing babydaddy might seem so, like, 2005, we'd encourage last-minute costume scramblers to throw on the wife beater, baggy pants, and baseball cap, and show up anyway, taking the stage behind their inspiration as his backing chorus line of high-kicking, hip-hopping K-Fedettes.
As Kevin Federline continues to spend most of his limited energies lately developing a niche acting career in which he improvises a few lines of dialogue before finding himself on the receiving end of a violent, audience-pleasing act, Britney Spears has been flying suspiciously below the radar. Unlike the arrival of the first, slippery little addition to their household, Sean Preston's younger sibling has yet to surface on the cover of a single celebrity glossy—surprisingly, not even in a telephoto shot of a sidewalk faceplant after the brave, little tyke pulled the short straw in a competition for mom's grip, losing to two Venti Frappucinos and a set of Mini Cooper car keys. There hasn't even been a consensus yet reached on the official official gender or name of the child, and the baby's parents seem perfectly happy to ensure that the youngest Federline remains swaddled in mystery:
• It's official, still: Madonna bought a kid from his dad, filed papers for adoption, and saved Africa from the "evil eye." [AP]
• In a surprising move that suggests he actually gives a shit about making his marriage — and weekly allowance — last, K-Fed tells Britney that she can't have any male dancers in her new video. [Scoop]
• During yesterday's taping, Jennifer Aniston tells Oprah that she and Vince Vaughn are still an item. Oh please, baby Jesus, let this love last. [People]
• While trying to outrun paparazzi, Angelina Jolie's driver hits a teenager on a motorbike. Made the kid's day, actually. [E!]
• Sienna Miller forgets to bring ID to a Pittsburgh bar and resorts to pulling a Polonsky. [Page Six]
• We can't quite ascertain the relevance of the following, but did Eleanor Roosevelt chow box with Amelia Earhart? And can you say "chow box" in reference to historical figures? [R&M]
• Donald Trump ruins Palm Beach skyline with giant American flag. [Page Six]
Not only were the producers of CSI generous enough to provide Kevin Federline with a speaking role on their hit show to help kick-start what is sure to be a celebrated acting career, it seems that they also let America's favorite background-dancing househusband improvise his own dialogue ("You bitches haven't caught them cats yet?" "Man, you're weak, weak, weak, weak."), wardrobe himself (white wife-beater, high-water pants, carefully tilted trucker hat), and perform his own stunts (getting sucker-punched in the stomach). Judging from this video clip of his upcoming cameo, their supreme confidence in the neophyte's varied talents was repaid handsomely, as Federline is utterly convincing as a sneering street punk begging to be brutalized by a cop. And based on how positively the viewing public will no doubt react to the doubled-over, wheezing K-Fed, CBS will have no choice but to invite him back for a prolonged, far more graphic televised beating later in the season.
• NB to Jessica Simpson: Might we suggest a new top coat? Some sort of Sally Hansen extra-life type product? [OAN]
• No plans tonight? Go check out Observer founder and editorial director Arthur Carter's sculpture show, and see what's so much more important than his little peach paper. Bring a recorder, and make sure you get tape of Jared Kushner dissing the art. [Salander]
• Oh, this is rich: Are Mark Foley and Eve Ensler all that different? You challenge us so, David Brooks. [TimesSelect]
• Speaking of Foley: JUST KIDDING! IT WAS ALL A BIG JOKE! [Wonkette]
• Actress Sharon Stone, best known for her role in Police Academy 4, is rumored to be canoodling with Jared Leto. We're not sure we buy it, but the mental picture is amusing enough. [LSE]
• Won't someone help Julia Allison have a threesome? If only so she can stop using her Silver Bullet vibrator? [Glamour]
• Vanity Fair defies rumor and, instead of Borat, puts George Clooney on the cover. To be fair, they're both equally ridiculous characters. [FishbowlNY]
• We know that "Britney Spears Loses Custody of Child to 'In Touch' Magazine" is an Onion headline, but we fail to see the parody. [The Onion]
Our right-coasted, left-brained sibling Gawker share an intimidating algorithm they found in the NYT that attempts to predict the percentage of likelihood of celebrity marriage success. (It's in their subscription-only TimesSelect section, once again demonstrating how higher learning is really the exclusive realm of those who can afford it.) The Sundem/Tierney Unified Celebrity Theory then spits out some deeply discouraging math, putting Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's chances of making a marriage work at a mere 10%. Based on Pitt's recent comments, however, we doubt such formulation will ever apply, at least until a Sundem/Tierney Celebrity Philanthropic Civil Partnership Theory is devised. Even bleaker are Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's prospects—0% chance of lasting to their wood-and-silverware, fifth anniversary—though due to the equations exclusion of procreative data, we can't say that number is completely accurate. Surely success rates are higher when you figure in such matrimonial bond-strengthening data as the B/d* factor.
• Kevin Federline on his new baby boy: "Man, I'm a father again!" Our thoughts exactly, dude. Time to double-bag that shit. [Page Six]
• Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter is back to smoking. Welcome home, punkin. [Radar]
• When you talk about Nicole Richie's anorexia it, like, stresses her out, and she loses her appetite. So this is all your fault. [IMDb]
• Paris Hilton and Travis Barker suck face. The stars are indeed blind, and falling fast. [TMZ]
• Simon Cowell forgets to pay his AmEx Black card bill. [Page Six]
• We'd no idea a millionaire no-talent pop star could even be in crisis, but apparently Jessica Simpson is rising from the ashes. Relatively speaking, of course. [Us Weekly]
Waving from a window at Cedars Sinai to the paparazzi photographers who are easily the most positive influence in his young life , young Sean Preston Federline has never looked happier, for he knows that his harried, butter-fingered mother's attention will be focused on the new baby instead of him, a benign maternal neglect that should serve to drastically reduce the number of gravity-related head injuries he'll suffer in the coming year. He'll laugh and laugh from the safety of his nanny-driven stroller as his little brother learns firsthand, as Sean once did, that Mommy always drops the squriming baby before the cup of Jamba Juice when she gets flustered by the nice men trying to take their picture.
Drop what you are doing, step away from your desk, and offer up joyous shouts of thanks (or, depending on your perspective, hair-tearing lamentations) to your preferred deity, for Britney Spears has successfully reproduced again, according to the National Enquirer. Almost exactly a year after introducing the world to soon-to-be fumbled son Sean Preston, Spears and impressively potent househusband Kevin Federline delivered another baby boy via Caesarean (vaginal birth is so low class, y'all) early this morning, moving the couple one infant closer to completing their planned, nineteen-child-strong brood, a white-trash breeding project that should keep her uterus booked through her prime reproductive years.
