Michael Sands, publicist for Britney manager Sam Lutfi and man who can tell you something about cheesecake, is going to be deposed in Britney's custody case on March 5 [P6]. And he's very enthusiastic about it, because "the truth shall set you free!" Are you as excited about this development as we are? We've told you a bit about Sands' dessert skills, but it's time to roll out some key sections of the biography from his own website, a document full of unwitting double entendres about his own credibility that, we're sure, go totally unnoticed by Sands himself. Which just make them so much more fun.

[Britney Spears outside a Levis store in Beverly Hills yesterday; image via Splash]

• Katie Holmes may be pregnant again. Celebrate now, there will be plenty of time to figure out which Scientology God's sperm impregnated her later. [OK!]

Britney Spears' new baby will no doubt be the first to auction its own "inside the uterus" exclusive photo deal if the tabloid Star is correct that her paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib is bragging about having knocked her up. First Ghalib supposedly married Spears in a secret Mexico ceremony, then Spears appeared in public with some kind of tummy bulge and now Adnan is said to be "made for life" due to the supposed pregnancy. The whole thing sounds insane, given that Spears was carrying a pack of cigarettes in the tummy bulge photo and that Ghalib has approximately 50 million reasons to prolong his relationship with Spears and avoid pissing her off by blabbing like this. "Insane," of course, means "entirely plausible" when you're talking about Britney Spears.

In a joint report from the departments of Wishful Thinking and No One Actually Cares, US Weekly has cobbled together a wee photo gallery of famous people who have vowed to remain virgins until marriage. You know, like weird Christian people. Who's on the list? Tragically, it begins with Britney Spears, who famously declared her virginity only to hop on Justin Timberlake shortly after. Now if you look up "virgin" in that dictionary of yours, it just says "Not Britney Spears." But who else! Texan singer Jessica Simpson, some model, those doe-eyed rocker boys The Jonas Brothers, and then... Gary Coleman. Yeah I guess he's married and his wife won't bone him. Because, you know, she's in it for the money. Allll those Coleman riches. Sigh (and not in the good way.) [US] After the jump, little old Gary talking about sex. Yay!/Barf

• Paris Hilton got engaged to Good Charlotte guitarist Benji Madden, or at least she's wearing "a Tiffany band from Benji on her ring finder," but only Page Six knows about it right now, on account of their exclusive anonymous source. Too bad there aren't photographers following her around who could maybe verify this. In any case, the public will surely greet any engagement with the same heartfelt sincerity with which Hilton accepts it. [P6]

It turns out that squads of Guardian Jews are protecting the biggest celebrities in Hollywood, starting with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Demand for their services has only grown with the transformation of the paparazzi into a much more cutthroat gang that includes illegal immigrants and ex-thugs. Celebrity network TMZ filed a video report on Jewish guards that milks the ethnic angle for all it's worth, as in the brief excerpt after the jump: Hava Negila plays in the background, a spurious connection is made between celebrity bodyguarding and counterterrorism and a Jew pops off semiautomatic handgun shots like he bought the bullets wholesale:

• Alec Baldwin was snapped at a Los Angeles-are Blockbuster with his "daughter-of-a-bitch" Ireland, 12, the one he left the shameful voice mail for last year, calling her all kinds of terrible names. She wisely leaked it to the media, and now in this picture you can just see her grinning up a storm as dad hides like a scared little piggy.

Britney Spears doesn't have cash to buy herself food, medicine and other basic goods, is selling off homes and has seen record advances decline, according to a New York Times story on her financial situation. This despite the fact she's worth around $50 million and was averaging $760,000 per month in royalties as of May 2007. In the past two years, she listed or sold a $7.5 million Hollywood home, a $10 million house in Malibu and a $4 million condo in Manhattan. Where does the money go? She spends around $102,000 per month entertaining herself, traveling and giving gifts; lawyers are trying to determine whether the rest is tied up in "risky investment vehicles" or other business deals. Also? Someone may be stealing right from under her nose:

• Britney Spears hanger-on Sam Lutfi must henceforth keep 250 yards from the singer because as Britney's mom reminded us, he "gave Britney Spears pills ground up in her food to keep her quiet and at one point he told Britney she had to take 10 pills a day if she wanted to see her two young children." [Reuters]

Paris Hilton just flashed her nipple at a Hollywod club, and it's not because she was supposedly smoking a joint or about to get it on with actor Simon Rex. It's because Paris will not be left out of a celebrity nudity trend. Sex tapes? She is the queen of sex tapes. Vadge flashes? She taught Britney Spears that move. But just last month Britney flashed her boob like she's some kind of Janet Jackson, and Paris WILL NOT BE UPSTAGED. Here's Paris' nipple, and those that bravely paved the way for it (marginally NSFW):

A photo forensics company aged Britney Spears ten years by looking at her current diet, drug and alcohol use, and the result is at left, and much larger on the Superficial. Of course, most people would look similarly awful if they never dialed back their twentysomething behavior. See: Richards, Keith.

In today's most dramatic case of Hollywood hypocrisy, LAPD chief William Bratton has reportedly lashed out at anyone in favor of Councilman Dennis Zine's proposal for a new Britney Spears-inspired paparazzi law. Bratton went so far as to criticize the press for covering "airheads" and also suggested stars get psychiatric help in his monthly interview with KPCC. Which all sounds up to par and somewhat sensible until you remember this is the same Bratton who himself is fond of "traipsing all over town" with his press-happy wife. From LA Observed:

• To unveil her new video, "Break The Ice," Britney Spears will appear on Total Request Live, and has been practicing for everything at her favorite dance studio. Hopefully that includes the dance-and-boob-flash synchronization she carefully rehearsed in January, because there's nothing more embarrassing than an out-of-rhythm wardrobe malfunction. [Showbiz Spy]

British tabloid the Mirror is running a picture from MrPaparazzi.com showing Britney Spears looking pregnant, or maybe just fat, or maybe her shirt just poofed out. Or maybe this is why she went shopping for a pregnancy test with photographer/beau Adnan Ghalib and maybe secretly married the crafty former paparazzo. This could also be why Spears' father has been granted such sweeping conservatorship powers over the crazy singer. Still, would anyone be letting her smoke if she truly was pregnant? And why is the American news media afraid to ask the hard questions about this photo?? Probably because they'd rather mint money with shameless coverage of the glitzy Democratic primary, that's why. In the meantime, decide for yourself by looking at this closeup of Brit-Brit's tum-tum:

Magazines are dying and the web is surging, but maybe there is a web ad bust on the way, and also maybe the web is what is killing magazines, or maybe no one reads anymore, and (former Gawker managing editor) Choire Sicha is trying to figure it all out in today's Observer. He's also trying to figure out Rolling Stone's Britney Spears cover and New York's Lindsay Lohan cover, the two most important magazine covers of this century. But, about that Rolling Stone piece—we all saw the good bits, because they were leaked, by RS, to Perez, but maybe we mostly missed the more "important" thinky bits of Vanessa Grigoriadis' story, because RS only put the first 606 words on their website? Regardless, Rolling Stone had their "best week ever in the history of the Web site," even without the story. So maybe all they needed were the photo galleries? "Until the people on the business side are sure they're going to replace that revenue, that's how it's going to be," says an editor. Maybe we don't actually need content anymore, just the idea of content? That will save everyone a bit of time and money!

The celebrity weekly's cover story is actually about how the children of mentally ill famous woman Britney Spears are pretty much doing just fine, it turns out, under the care of people who properly strap them into carseats and wear underpants, but there's no denying the power of that headline. What do they know? Is Us Weekly willing to do whatever it takes to find out what Sean and Jayden know? There are lives on the line, people. The entire celebrity-industrial complex may depend on whatever actionable intelligence can be procured—by any means necessary—from these tow-headed youngsters. How do stars get glam? Who benefits? That's the real question, isn't it—why?—the "how" is just scenery for the suckers. Lufti, Adnan, X17, TMZ, it keeps people guessing like a parlor game, but it prevents them from asking the most important question—why? You're close, Us Weekly. Closer than you think. [Us Weekly]

• Britney Spears' stupid dad took away her stupid booze and set her bedtime at stupid 11 o'clock, but he can't make her keep on her underwear, ha ha! Despite having a Vagina Of Freedom, Spears doesn't get to see her sons, even though K-Fed thinks the toddlers would be a more mature influence on the troubled singer than alleged grown men Sam Lufti and Adnan Ghalib.

• London tabloid Daily Mail snickered at Kate Moss' bony knees during Moss' night on the town with her rocker boyfriend, but what about the frightening shot of her face at left? The tab writes, under that photo, "Kate's hard-partying ways are beginning to show on the world beauty." Or maybe it's just the tint on the limo glass? [Mail]