It took Intern Alexis a little longer than usual to get through this week's installment of the Times Book Review — not because of the long weekend, but because she had to stop every 3 paragraphs and get something to eat. That's what happens when the Gray Lady subjects you to an all-foodie edition of the review, complete with both cookbooks and cook's books. This week is light on the literature but heavy on the celebrity chefs; after the jump, Intern Alexis gets more than her fair share of Mario Batali's clogged magic and Anthony Bourdain's bad-assery.

Having not been the subject of any of his tempramental emails, the Observer was thus not banned from former Page Six reporter Ian Spiegelman's party for his new novel, Welcome to Yesterday. And good thing, or we'd never gain such insight into the mind of a literary talent. Some of Spiegelman's quotables:

The new memoir from our favorite CNN anchor was finally published this week — oh, you thought it was just a coincidence he was interviewed everywhere from Oprah to EW? — and we'd like to direct your attention to the book's acknowledgements. Most are professional in nature — editors, agents, the like — but one doesn't quite fit that mold. On page 212:

• America's first couple, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, may no longer be rolling in the filth of their wedded bliss. Brit's publicist refuses to deny that they've split, and in the court of celebrity trash, silence is an admission of divorce. If the sweet sounds of "Popozao" can't save a marriage, can anything? [Mirror UK]
• After signing a $6 million deal with Miramax Books for her memoirs, Barbara Walters has weaseled her way out of the contract in pursuit of a better deal elsewhere. If Hillary Clinton can get $8 million for her autobiography, then certainly Babs can fetch just as much. The face-lifts aren't going to pay for themselves, you know. [Page Six]
• Having worked for everyone in Hollywood, jailbird P.I. Anthony Pellicano may have worked with Israeli mobsters — a natural climb up the Power Jew ladder. [R&M]
• Brandon Davis issues an official apology to Lindsay Lohan after calling her a firecrotch. He's also "horrified" by that bit about her seven-foot-long clitoris, and considers the freckles coming out of her vagina to be "reprehensible." [Page Six]
• Fox News' Kimberly Guilfoyle is set to marry male socialite Eric Villency in Barbados tomorrow — and just in time, too, as she's 5 months pregnant. We can't have a bastard baby around Murdoch's house. [Lowdown]

Would it be Page Six without entirely gratuitous drama? Of course not. Jossip is reporting that former Sixer Ian Spiegelman, who is being feted tonight for his newly released novel, Welcome to Yesterday, managed to get his old colleagues banned from attending the party. How did he allegedly do this? It's complicated; follow closely. Spiegelman gave an interview for Simon Dumenco's Monday Ad Age column, and apparently he subsequently came to believe that Post editor Col Allan was miffed over some of the things he said. (It's unclear whether any actual miffage had occurred.) So Spiegelman sent Allan an aggressively defensive email, sort of apologizing for the misunderstanding but mostly not.

• Howard Stern and CBS reach settlement. We can't quite motivate to care. [NYDN]
• The L Magazine goes glossy. We can't really seem to make ourselves too excited about this one, either. [The L]
• Ratings for books would solve all sorts of problems. We like the "FNF" rating — "fictional nonfiction." [TONY]

Belatedly, we pass along a report from a Publishers Weekly subscriber who noticed a wraparound advertisement for Rodale Books affix to last week's issues. Among the motley crew of titles flacked by the health-and-wellness publisher:

We know you already have your 2(x)ist boxerbriefs in a twist over the forthcoming release of The Confession, the memoir from Gay American and former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey, scheduled for release in the fall. But the fabulous Andy Towle today notes how Amazon.com will make the ineffable pleasure of reading about Jimbo's sexual awakening even more pleasurable:

This week's edition of the Times Book Review attempts to rank the best works of American fiction, surprising no one and making Toni Morrison, if possible, even more wealthy. Moving onward, Intern Alexis is horrified to find reviewer Walter Kirn sloppily fellated by Thisbe Nissen, who's clearly campaigning for something. Meanwhile, Curtis Sittenfeld gets the same treatment, albeit less sloppy, and Dave Itzkoff writes in computer speak, scaring off any readers he may have had in the process. After the jump, Alexis helps you fake your way to being well-read.

Our friends at Jossip are on location in Chicago this week, where naturally they're doing things they don't do on Broadway. Among those things: Watching Oprah at 9 a.m., its timeslot in Ms. Winfrey's home market. Today's big interview with Anderson Cooper won't air for another four hours here in New York, but little Jossie generously provides a sneak peak — from which we learn that, apparently, nothing interesting transpires.

A&E got nostalgic this weekend, rerunning the episode of Breakfast With the Arts from the halcyon days when Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan was not yet known as an uber-plagiarizer. The episode was done in two parts, the first featuring Kaavya reading from Opal Mehta (taped pre-scandal, of course) and then giving an interview; the second, an update on the story with the Observer's Sheelah Kolhatkar.

• Ian Spiegelman tells Simon Dumenco that Page Six is in fact like the Mafia, that its writers at least feel bad writing homophobic items, and that China and Nicole Kidman are off-limits. Also, though his novel's protagonist takes cash for good coverage, he does not believe the JPS charges. [Ad Age]
• Sulzberger apologizes to graduates for not stopping war, achieving equality, and protecting Roe, and legalizing gay marriage. Next week, he'll apologize to his reporters for giving right-wing anti-Timesers a huge trove of new fodder. [Daily Freeman via Romenesko]
• Things suck at ABC News. [LAT]
• Newspaper people — even David Carr's young friends — worry how much longer they'll have jobs. [NYT]

• Networks sue FCC to make it stand up to Parents Television Council right-wing nutjobs. One can dream. [WSJ]
• Joanne Lipman wants to steal James Stewart from The New Yorker for her new Conde biz mag — which nearly has a name. [NYP]
• More books were sold in 2005 than 2004. A sales uptick for a print medium? How unusual. [NYT]
• Former Conde editorial director James Truman has a prototype for his new Culture & Travel, which is not — not at all, he says — the art mag Si wouldn't let him do. [NYP]
• Mike Wallace once tried to kill himself. [NYDN]
• Hachette to launch Shock mag next week. It's "Life magazine for the new millennium," says founder Mike Hammer, formerly of Maxim and Stuff. We suppose this means its gross pictures — such as one of a rotting human head in the first issue — are shot by Margaret Bourke-White and Alfred Eisenstaedt. [WSJ]
• In his forthcoming bio, Ed Kosner is not very nice to Mort Zuckerman. We're just shocked. [WWD]
• Jack Shafer, de facto Times ombudsman, doesn't care for Howell Raines' new memoir. [Slate]
• NYTer Sharon LaFraniere wins $25K Michael Kelly Award. [Kelly Award]

Last night's Publishers Lunch weekly roundup brought news of yet another prominent blogger's book deal:

If you are or ever were a gossip columnist, you really need to publish your roman a clef this month. Deborah Schoeneman's 4% Famous and former Page Sixer Ian Spiegelman's Welcome to Yesterday are being released within weeks of one another; both feature gossip columnists as protagonists, and both are laden with thinly veiled portrayals of colleagues. Spiegelman's novel, for example, has the following description of a notoriously drunk, Australian gossip:

The Guardian reports that rather than write his first novel himself, unpublished author Phil McArthur has a better plan:

Like many a vagina-bearing being, Intern Alexis is a sucker for the heartwarming animal stories. Specifically, tales of interspecies BFFs — inseparable kittens and puppies, for example — really gets her menses going, so this week's edition of the Times Book Review was especially coo-worthy with its children's book section focued on interspecies mingling. Lest you think this week is all fluff, however, there's plenty of whiny bitches and anal musings from Dwight Garner. After the jump, Alexis' guide to faking your own literacy.

New York mag's Carl Swanson and Nerve editor Will Doig try their hardest to look only at Deborah Schoeneman's face.

The latest issue of Star reports that the alpha bitch of showbiz moms, Dina Lohan, is writing a tell-all. Aimed at mothers who want to transform their innocent, talented children into floozy cash-cows, the book will be a guide to pimping and pushing your womb into a lucrative brand. Lohan tells Star's David Caplan (awkwardly pictured):

From last night's Publisher's Lunch deal roundup: