Really, you're just not going to see a lede better than this:

I don't want him to go over the Reichenbach Falls.

From the latest Publisher's Lunch:

What do you mean, that's not news? Lilliputian and putatively homeless model Isobella Jade may be writing her memoir in the Apple Store, but she still has time to join the hottest new marketing trend: a video trailer for your book. Thrill to Isobella dashing about the streets of New York in heels and a little black dress, briefly disrobing, noshing a few choice selections from the Wendy's dollar menu, spilling coffee, and rendering a voiceover that could challenge any on Grey's Anatomy for sheer tedium. Totally sucks about her MySpace page, though.

A Russian bookstore in Brighton Beach has been greeted with local protest after it was discovered that the shop carried anti-Semitic books, going so far as to display one, titled The Jewish Question in Russia, in its front window. Owner Vladimir Trainin, who has since disposed of the books, claims to have no idea that his shelves were stocked with the offending material, noting that he's a Jew (self-hating, naturally). The books in question included Why America is Dying, The Myths and Truths of Jewish Pogroms, Jewish Society Coup and, our personal favorite, What We Don't Like About Them — no word on whether the store was carrying all 17 volumes of that one.

No, that's not just a string of nonsense words. Wonderfully named author, activist, and autobiographer Kola Boof is something of a character. Originally from Sudan, Boof's chief notoriety comes from her claim that she once did time as an involuntary coital companion for Osama bin Laden. The exact terminology is a bit dicey, as Boof hates that the New York Post keeps referring to this as her "sex slave" period; Boof's bio says she was Osama's "lover ... against her will," so take your pick. Some have expressed doubts about Boof's bin Ladenizing, but the more pressing question is this: Why was Boof fired from her job as a writer on Days of Our Lives?

From today's Publisher's Lunch, word of the perfect book for those who can't get enough of NBC's awkward vigilante justice against would-be monsters:

If you've ever been overcome with moist, turgid urges by the "sex table" at Greenwich Village's Shakespeare & Co. bookstore, litblogger Maud Newton has a clarification to help stem the tide of bad thoughts. The store's website may be down, but like every spunky kid these days, they're still posting on Myspace. Therein lies a managerial statement on the use/misuse of the sex table:

If the sweat wasn't making your eyes burn and consequently swell shut, you might have enjoyed this week's edition of the Times Book Review. Such is not the case, however — and so you can barely keep your eyes open while you dangerously head towards a heatstroke. You don't have much time to catch up on your literature before you pass out, so do enjoy this abbreviated guide to the review courtesy of Intern Alexis. After the jump, Josef "father of Jessica" Joffe gets slapped, The OC gets praised, and Benjamin Kunkel gets misty for a life lesson-filled memoir.

In this week's journey into the intellectual bitchery that is known as the New York Times Book Review takes Intern Alexis into not one, but two different lesbian book reviews — and, in the absence of any real book news, this counts as a trend. Meanwhile, Dave Itzkoff continues to reach new levels of geekiness while writer Cynthia Ozrick gets a little dorky herself by responding to an unfavorable review with a freaking poem (the closest the Gray Lady will ever get to a "your momma" snap). After the jump, Alexis takes your hand and walks you through the pseudo-fray.

Memoirist Toby Young, eager to capitalize on that whole viral video thing, seems to have posted a "book signing gone wrong" video on YouTube to promote his second title, The Sound of No Hands Clapping. We're not poo-pooing the man's attempt to self-promote online; we're just a little disappointed that he wrote a fucking sketch (of the predictable "everyone hates me" theme, no less) and put it out there as if it were a video of an actual incident. And we're disappointed in ourselves for picking it up and sharing it.

WWD's Memo Pad has gotten its well-manicured little hands on a galley for Times shopaholic Alex Kuczynski's plastic surgery book, Beauty Junkies — we're just shocked that a galley exists, suggesting that Kuczynski's book, which has been "forthcoming" for the past 12 years, is not a fabrication of the collective media imagination. Apparently Kuczynski spends no less than 30 pages detailing her own cosmetic procedure history, which includes an eyelift, collagen injections, Juvederm treatments, regular Botoxing, a nasty run in with Restalyne, and liposuction. Exhale. It's no more extreme than the regimen of your average lady who lunches, though pictures of Kuczynski certainly depict a more natural visage.

Here's some totally unconfirmed hearsay (the best kind, right?): a former employee of 5WPR is rumored to have sold a possible roman a clef about her experience working for Ronn Torossian to a major publishing house. Not a lot of details, but supposedly Torossian's character is as thinly veiled as Miranda Priestly. As for the author, we're just hazarding a guess that it's Lindsey Benoit, who Torossian sued last year for taking his "trade secrets" to another company.

We simply can't look away from tragiumphant Isobella Jade, the bewitching ragamuffin who has been living out of a suitcase and working herself as a succesful 5'2" model. FishbowlNY first discovered Isobella's genius when she pitched her memoir in an email written completely in the third person; her story focuses on her rise to vagrancy and was written entirely while in the Soho Apple Store, the office of choice for many an itinerant genius.

This week's edition of the Times book review is a little cranky — Intern Alexis finds snark everywhere, from Walter Kirn to Norah Vincent to Ana Marie Cox (no surprise there). Apparently, that's how one should celebrate our nation's indepedence: sipping haterade. Or, if you're Dorin Oltarsh Schumacher, you celebrate by writing the Review a long-ass letter about how you had to put a child up for adoption 50 years ago. Then you stick a sparkler up your ass.

FishbowlNY introduced us yesterday to "perhaps the most successful model in nyc under the height of 5'4," Isobella Jadeco, a successful-yet-homeless young woman pitching her life story, in the third person, as entirely composed in the Soho Apple Store. They've followed up with a brief interview, in which we learn that Isobella was actually a successful nude model (there's the catch). Also, she admits that she may have misrepresented herself:

The sexy/hungry young lady at right is Isobella Jadeco, a homeless jane-of-all-trades who, despite her vertically challenged lot in life, has become "perhaps the most successful model in nyc under the height of 5'4." But for all of her petite success, Jadeco is living out of a suitcase and trying to pitch her memoir, composed entirely in the Soho Apple Store. She pitches FishbowlNY in the third person:

It must be 15 years, at least, since we last read To Kill a Mockingbird. But it's a mere few weeks since we read Thomas Mallon's New Yorker review of the new Harper Lee biography, and from that review we learned that the admiring world had been wrong for all these years. Lee is, the review told us, in fact an atrocious writer. So when we learned this morning that Lee had published in her first piece of writing in several millennia, we were eager to get our hands on it. We wanted to see if, without the distraction of Gregory Peck's strong-chinned virtue, we'd finally see Lee's writing for the drivel it is. We went to the corner newsstand and we sucked it up and for the first time ever, we bought O, The Oprah Magazine. And we discovered that Lee's piece (click on it above to enlarge), while as tritely uplifting as an open letter to Winfrey would have to be, is also a perfectly fine, reasonably well-turned essay. We found this a tremendous relief.

80-year-old Harper Lee hasn't given an interview in 40 years and, with the exception of a 1983 book review, she hasn't published anything in the same stretch of decades — but if there's anyone to pull the woman out of hiding, it's motherfucking Oprah. (OMG OPRAH SHE'S JUST THAT GOOD WE LOVE YOU.) For O mag's July "special summer reading" issue, Lee has written a piece, in letter form, about becoming a reader in Depression-era Alabama, when her parents and older siblings would read her stories and newspaper items every day. She writes, "Now, 75 years later in an abundant society where people have laptops, cell phones, iPods, and minds like empty rooms, I still plod along with books."

How have we not seen this yet? Daily News copy editor Dawn Eden — everyone's second favorite scary conservative Catholic after Mel Gibson — has posted on her blog a tantalizing preview of her forthcoming book, The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On. The book is her inspirational account of how she found God (or some such), stopped having sex (or some such), and discovered happiness (somehow). We're still busy trying to unpack this bit on gay men, straight men, straight women, and TV: