Hillary Clinton wants—no, needs—some recognition for so valiantly and gloriously melting down and losing a nomination that a few short months ago she was supposed to walk away with without breaking a sweat. Remember how proud we all were as she became increasingly desperate, holding the Democratic Party hostage like Brett Favre, as her husband began making incomprehensible racial gaffes and she quaffed bourbon and divorced herself from reality? Yes. So. Let's relive the magic of Hillary '08 at the Democratic National Convention in Denver! The Clinton Camp (they still have a camp!) is demanding that Hillary's name be placed into nomination so that she can rack up one more in her growing list of symbolic defeats. (Of course this remains a highly unlikely possibility, so it's actually irresponsible of ABC to run with it like it's news and irresponsible of us to play along with their stupid game. But hey! Still the silly season.) [ABC]

• Barack Obama maybe has something new in common with Hillary Clinton, because according to Scarlett Johansson the whole foofaraw over Obama's email to her was "a product of extreme sexism." [AP]

An Atlanta actuarial firm "which specializes in morbidity and mortality calculations" gives John McCain "a 'healthy expectancy' of 8.4 years, taking into account his four bouts with melanoma of the skin." As for Barack, he can "expect 21.9 years of good health—a forecast shortened by 10 percent or so by his history of cigarette smoking." (Oh, and as you probably suspect, this fave photo of right-wing bloggers isn't real.) [AJC]

Now that Scarlett Johansson is finally hitting the road to stump for the upcoming Vicky Cristina Barcelona, reporters have seized on the opportunity to ask her about the important man in her life. No, not her fiancé Ryan Reynolds — we're talking about presidential candidate/father figure Barack Obama. You may recall how the actress made headlines back in June for discussing her email relationship with Obama, a sexy media fantasy that titillated reporters before the Obama campaign itself debunked it. Now, Johansson is claiming that the whole affair got too much attention because of the media's "extreme sexism":

Harper's Bazaar's much-discussed photo spread of Tyra Banks as Michelle Obama is finally online, and my but is it ambitious. Also, cringey: Model-industry booster Banks is depicted behind the desk in a (poor) imitation Oval Office, in a strapless gown at a formal state dinner and even, as pictured, laughing at a newspaper story about fat white bitters with President Barry Hussein, presumably after making elitist love in Harvard sweatshirts. Wasn't it just yesterday that it was politicians acting like fools in hopes of stealing some celebrity buzz, rather than the other way around? Presidential candidates were appearing on Saturday Night Live, the Daily Show and even professional wrestling matches to promote themselves. Barack Obama always seemed the most aloof in this process, and now it's clear why: He has as much to offer the celebrity-industrial complex as it offers him. [Harper's Bazaar via Wonkette]

Remember how John McCain mocked Barack Obama by comparing the Democratic presidential candidate to Paris Hilton, implying both of them were vapid celebrities and royally pissing off Hilton's McCain-bankrolling family? It turns out Paris has a sense of humor about the whole thing, and made an actually-pretty-funny video about it for Will Ferrell's Funny Or Die. It's after the jump. And it's funny because Hilton implies she has a sophisticated knowledge of an important geopolitical issue LOL! Also, protocelebrities take note: This is a example of how you take some mildly negative PR and spin it so masterfully your image ends up better polished than ever.

First we were forced to give reluctant props to reality wannabe Khloe Kardashian, and now this: Paris Hilton has starred in a new video rebutting John McCain's "Celeb" ad, and it's...sigh, not that bad. Sure, we can give the lion's share of credit to writer Adam McKay (though he didn't help Step Brothers any), but the dim-bulb heiress totally nails her lines, forcing our grudging admiration. Just one bit of advice, Paris: though your proposed energy plan is intriguing, you'd better stay away from Tyra as VP.

Gwyneth Paltrow has worked really hard at ditching her snottier-than-thou attitude this year. Not only did she go to great lengths to sex up her image during the seemingly endless Iron Man press tour by donning a series of towering heels and flashing ample amounts of thigh, her admission that she's raising a pair of cross-dressing toddlers might even earn a nod of approval from the Lou Reed and David Johansen's of the world. But all of the inroads she's built look like they could come crashing down, thanks to her appearance in a hoity-toity political ad airing overseas now.After crushing poor Scarlett Johansson's double-D sized heart after publicly imploding their burgeoning email relationship, Barack Obama has been battling charges of elitism from the right-wing media and fending off attacks from John McCain that he's just another Valtrex popping celebutard. While recruiting Gwyneth Paltrow to appear in a special "Vote Abroad" campaign might help with the latter attack, it certainly doesn't help him with the former. And as for Gwyneth? We're not sure what it is about you that we're supposed to identify with as being All-American these days. You live abroad (meaning, you're not just there temporarily for a job). You're married to a mopey musician (who was born, raised and currently abides in England). You're raising your kids to be British. You won an Oscar ... for playing a Brit. Forgive us if we're finding it difficult to find the ties between you and baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet. Except, of course, for the fact that you named your kid Apple.

John McCain is going to love this: in what is apparently an inadvertent attempt to further the "Obama is a celebrity" meme, everyone's favorite slut rehabilitator Tyra Banks has turned up in the pages of next month's Harper's Bazaar, dressed as a Michelle Obama-ish First Lady (complete with a Barack-a-like and First Kid). Forget Tyra's Oprah envy — it's clear now that Ty-Ty has been taking her social-climbing tips from model-turned-First Lady Carla Bruni. Needless to say, the nation is not smiling with its eyes. Says Page Six (which calls the whole shoot "vaguely unsettling"):

It seems Jews prefer John McCain over Barack Obama—at least the ones in the market for silly, politically-themed yarmulkes. In that enormously relevant demo, McCain beats Obama 56 percent to 44 percent. [NYDN]

• That story in the Journal about Barack Obama being too skinny to be president? The reporter pulled the quotes from a message board thread she started herself. The WSJ prints a correction, Slate deconstructs. [Slate, WSJ]

Remember that story in the Wall Street Journal last week about how maybe elite Barack Obama was too skinny for lardy everyday Americans? Sure you do, it was a total water cooler piece and we all ate it up like the obese news gluttons that we are. It had great details, like how the Democratic presidential candidate drinks Black Forest Berry Honest Tea, and great quotes, like that one Clinton supporter who said "I won't vote for any beanpole guy," LOL. Well, it turns out that "beanpole quote" came from a sort-of jokey anonymous reply to a message board topic the Journal reporter herself created, and was the only remotely quotable line in that thread. And the Berry Honest Tea detail originated in a memo put out by Obama rival John McCain's campaign manager. Whoops! Today's it's correction time:

New York's most famous plastic surgery victim, Ms. Jocelyne Wildenstein, turns 68 today. She'll no doubt be heading straight to her plastic surgeon's office to celebrate. Other birthdays: DJ Funkmaster Flex turns 40 and the Beastie Boys' Adam Yauch is turning 44. Maureen McCormick, who is still best known as Marcia from The Brady Bunch, turns 52. Real estate expert Edward Lee Cave is 69. Retired Knicks star Patrick Ewing is 46. And we're guessing that Barack Obama's ears are still ringing after his massive celebration in Boston last night, where he was serenaded by Harry Connick Jr., the crooner's 10-year-old daughter, and a crowd of 850 political donors.

A moment of pity for professional blowhard John C. Dvorak. The guy had built an enviable career out of baiting Apple evangelists. Now that Apple pisses off its own customers, Dvorak needs to look elsewhere for someone to offend. His first target: The Obamatards who pack the Bay Area, stumping for Barack as fervently as they once did for Steve Jobs. By loosely comparing Obama's Berlin campaign event to Hitler's Nuremberg Rallies, Dvorak has proven it possible to break Godwin's Law, the no-Hitler rule of the Internet. Check out this audio clip from a podcast with Adam Curry [MP3]. Dvorak breaks through the Hitler barrier and keeps on going as bravely as Chuck Yeager cracking the speed of sound. It's impressive, but only until you realize a thousand talk radio hosts have been doing it all day for years. (Photo by AP/Jens Meyer)

Both Bernie Mac and Morgan Freeman are in the hospital? At the same time? Now he'll never have a chance against John McCain. Oh, well. He was too skinny to be president anyway.

The Mainstream Media is really hoping that the presidential election will be the ticket to higher TV ratings and more newspaper sales because, man, they could really use the help. But the results so far aren't too encouraging. Instead of an explosion of people rushing home after work to catch Brian Williams' reasoned analysis of election strategy, it turns out that those people are rushing to upstart internet sites, argumentative cable news programs, and trashy magazines for their campaign coverage. Which just goes to show that-barring a nip slip-not even Barack Obama's hallowed visage can save media platforms that are on their way down. Ratings for cable shows like Hardball and Countdown have "risen sharply" during the campaign. The Politico's website is blowing up, with more readers than "more than all but 13 American newspapers." Political ads are more popular on YouTube than political news broadcasts. Us Weekly saw a bigger bump with its Obama cover than actual political magazines did. And the nightly news broadcasts just keep sadly puttering along:

This week's issue of Newsweek features a profile of Steve Rattner, the financier who may have earned plenty of success in the world of high finance (No. 2 at Lazard, founder of the Quadrangle Group, money manager for Mike Bloomberg), but has thus far been unable to land his dream job: running a top Wall Street bank or a Washington cabinet position. (He's 0 for 3, having backed Gore, Kerry and Hillary Clinton.) Even Henry Kravis takes a subtle dig at the journalist-turned-banker: "Ask the average guy if he knows or has heard of Bob [Rubin], chances are he has. But not Rattner." Oh, cheer up, Steve! You're still the only former Times reporter in history who ever got to stamp his initials on a $20 million jet.

Remember that guy John Kerry who ran for president? He was always trying to cast himself as such an average guy, getting embarrassed when he was photographed windsurfing and generally behaving like he wasn't a Massachusetts millionaire. This made lots of Democrats who are also smart hate John Kerry. Obama, though, is not afraid to embrace his own celebrity. Which makes the urban NPR demographic love him, because they can get their jolt of politics and celebrity all at once, leaving them more time for unproductive leisure. And Democrats haven't forgetten that lots of the upwardly mobile US liberals live in civilized Europe; so Democrats Abroad has just released this "viral video" urging them all to vote. Gwyneth Paltrow is in it! Forget to send in your absentee ballot for Obama and lose your chance to be invited to a Gwyneth Paltrow dinner party, is the unspoken message. Watch it below:

She may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but Gwyneth Paltrow has taken one very effective PR trick to heart: A good way to stay in the public eye when you're not actually working that much—while also appearing to care about anything other than yourself—is to lend a little time to "causes." There was her recent UNICEF PSA for preventing childhood HIV, her Key For a Cure ambassadorship, and now she's the famous face in this video exhorting American ex-pats to vote for Obama: "I'll be voting from London," she shares, "but you can vote from anywhere. If you live abroad, you've got to do it." Clearly no American in a far-off land will fail to submit to such persuasion, especially as Gwynnie uses the most familiar of her three emote-modes: earnest!

Barack Obama turns 47 today! He'll celebrate with fundraising events in Michigan and Boston, although he's probably much more excited about the prospect of planning a party in the West Wing next year. Also celebrating: Robert A.F. Thurman, Columbia professor, former Buddhist monk, and father of Uma, is turning 67. New York's top judge, Judith Kaye, is 70. Scandal-plagued pitcher Roger Clemens is 46. Denim designer Scott Morrison turns 36. NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon is 37. Law & Order actor Richard Belzer turns 64. Model/actor Marcus Schenkenberg is 40. And Billy Bob Thornton is turning 53.