For six days and counting now, hundreds of protesters have gathered outside the White House to demand President Obama intervene and stop the construction of an oil pipeline that will span the breadth of the United States — from Montana to the Gulf of Mexico. Over 300 of them have been arrested — and not just wild-eyed idealistic college students, but high-profile advocates including environmental leader Bill McKibben. Despite all this, the administration says this is a question for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

Remember how close former New York Gov. George Pataki was to entering the presidential race earlier this week? Finally, a real candidate! But alas, he announced today that he will not run after all. Ugh. This cannot be happening.

The golden age of anonymous corporate elevator Twitter accounts is ending. It lasted about a week. After @CondeElevator closed down operations because "This got really crazy. Love my job," a series of knock-off elevator Twitter accounts launched. The only worthwhile one was @GSElevator, tweeting overheard conversations from Goldman Sachs branches the world around. According to Page Six, the company's notorious rigid management has "kicked off an internal probe" on the matter. After reportedly trying—and failing—to get Twitter to freeze the account, Goldman is now "investigating who is behind it. They believe it is an intern or a young gun, but there are enough facts on the feed for bosses to suspect it is someone with access inside the company."

Anthony Weiner and improbably patient wife Huma Abedin are on an "Italian babymoon," which is when you take time off work to hang out atop an Italian baby's butt. Haha, just kidding, it's when you celebrate the fact that your wife is five months pregnant and still married to you, even though you are a exhibitionist idiot who has showed his penis to half of the planet while she was carrying your first child in her womb. By going to Italy.

President Obama will end his Martha's Vineyard vacation a day short and return to Washington, to monitor mean old Hurricane Irene. Are you happy now? Are you happy he's ending his vacation to play National Daddy? Glad you're happy.

Last October, the Obama administration announced a plan to place "photovoltaic solar collectors and a solar hot water heater" atop the White House roof, where panels haven't been since that jerk Ronald Reagan ripped off the ones that Jimmy Carter installed. The goal was to have them installed by the beginning of this summer. They are nowhere to be seen. We demand our symbolic acknowledgement of alternative energy now!

The AP reports that "two dozen gunmen" stormed the Casino Royale in Monterrey, Mexico, doused it in a flammable liquid, and set it ablaze. It's claimed 32 lives so far. We'll go out on a limb and call this drug-related.

It turns out that the Obama administration was quite concerned about Matt Damon's very YouTube-able appearance at the Save Our Schools rally in Washington a few weeks ago.

The relationship between "Big Labor," especially the AFL-CIO, and the Democratic party over the last few years has been painfully one-sided. Unions raise large sums of cash for Democrats in federal elections, help them whip up support for major votes, and get nothing in return. Is labor finally ready to reconsider this terrible deal? Perhaps!

Rebels ransacking Libyan ruler Muammar Qaddafi's compound found a strange artifact yesterday: A big album of close-up pics of former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. Even brutal dictators have schoolboy crushes, apparently.

Renowned Syrian political cartoonist Ali Ferzat was found severely beaten early this morning on the Damascus Airport road, apparently by plain clothes government thugs, or shabiha. A picture from the hospital today shows both of his hands appearing to be severely injured. Long critical of the Assad family, Ferzat was nonetheless tolerated and, as the Guardian notes, even respected by Bashar al-Assad at one point. Ferzat told the paper in 2001 about an encounter he had with Bashar the aspiring opthamologist:

A "Jewish Indiana Jones." The very words conjure up thrilling scenes of cliff-hanging, deli-sampling adventure! And that's precisely what a mild-mannered Jewish bookstore owner from Maryland was passing himself off as, in what has turned out to be nothing more than an extremely clever con.

So this is how it is, then? Phillip Seaton (pictured)—an innocent man who went in for a routine adult circumcision and awoke to find that a ding dong doc had dinged his ding dong till it was clean gone—has been awarded not one red cent by a jury of his peers. (A "six-man, six-woman jury," his peers? Are they, really? Are they? Penis peers? Are they?)

So far, at least, it seems like Texas Gov. Rick Perry made a fine last-minute decision to enter the presidential race. From our side, we applaud his magical ability to produce daily blog material. And for him, he's already leading every national poll! Now the question is whether he'll completely flop and go down in American political history as a grand failure, no big deal.

If you, too, specifically seek to read pieces of writing that you know will be depressing if not dangerous, then there's nothing better than a Thomas Friedman column's opening paragraph that runs with either a misleading anecdote or confusing extended metaphor. Today's the latter! Let's take a gander at this sumbitch. It is about golf.

It wouldn't be surprising to hear rumors that Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, the Ohio fellow who briefly got famous for asking Barack Obama one poorly crafted question about small business taxation policy on the 2008 campaign trail, was "considering" a congressional run. It's a nice way to get a headline without really meaning it. But apparently national Republicans actually want him to do this?

North Korea's Kim Jong-il is taking an armored train tour of Russia to talk nukes and money. Today he thanked President Dmitry Medvedev and added, "we're having a fun trip." At least one dictator is having a good week.

Yesterday, Libyan rebels took control of Muammar Qaddafi's Bab al-Azizya air-conditioned tent compound, and celebrated by wearing his clothes, driving his golf cart, and firing heavy weapons into the air. It was a tactical and symbolic victory, but the six-month-long war is not over. Here's a roundup of some of the latest news out of Libya.

Looks like our little Dakota Fanning is making good on her plans to attend New York University, almost mater of the Olsens and James Franco's West Village sleep-n-study center. Good for her!

As if being separated from their families while they defend their country and having to memorize Britney Spears lyrics weren't stressful enough, Marines serving downrange in Afghanistan can no longer fart loudly anymore. Noisy farts offend Afghans, reports the Marine Corps Times.