That JC Penney commercial, which featured two teens practicing for a naked romp in the basement? The one that won a prize at the Cannes Lions Awards this weekend and spread quickly on the Web yesterday? It was an unauthorized fake, and executives at the department store are royally pissed. "It's obviously inappropriate and nothing we would ever condone," Penney's chief marketing officer told the Wall Street Journal. "We're very disappointed that our logo and brand position were used in that way." Thus began the blame game over who unleashed this mutant sorta-sex tape, one that will seem oh-so-familiar to anyone who recalls, say, the Miley Cyrus incident with Vanity Fair.

Well, it's official now: teen sex is okay with middle America. This momentous shift comes in the form of a new JC Penney ad, in which the thoroughly middlebrow retailer has a few laughs about two teen luvahs learning to put their clothes on quickly enough to avoid the mom of the house walking in on them doing the nasty. Forget the whole Miley Cyrus photo uproar! Go home, abstinence-preaching Christians! If JC Penney can sell three-packs of Hanes boxers to your family using a well-placed horny teen theme, well, it's time to lay the "controversy" of teenage sexuality to rest. They like to fuck-particularly on top of JC Penney products! Watch the commercial acknowledgment of biology and profound cultural moment for mall moms, after the jump:

$100 million. That's how much Cottonelle is currently spending on an ad campaign to sell its toilet paper. And for that kind of cash, they're not talking out the side of their mouths about "freshness" and "toilet tissue." They're telling you straight out: our product will be used on your "bottom." In fact, now that ads for erectile dysfunction and period problems have become commonplace, ads for poop-related products are also stepping up with the strong, clear language of truth. Not just "bottom," but also "behind." Actually, it would be better if everyone just shut up:

Another grim set of numbers for May-grimmer than a Goldman Sachs analyst's "most bearish dreams"-have left newspaper advertising revenues about 12% below last year's level. If business doesn't pick up, newspapers can expect to bring in about $37bn in 2008, down from $49bn at the height of the boom in 2000. But the data is even more depressing if adjusted for inflation: in 2000 dollars, ad revenues will be down nearly 40% on their level at the start of the decade. [Data via New York Times and Newspaper Association of America; inflation-adjustment and chart by Gawker]

Mad Men is to advertising execs what Goodfellas was to every two-bit parking meter robber in Queens with a cousin in the mob: a vision of how edgy they might have been, in a different time. [NYT]

Celebrities: they're in ads! That's because celebrities tend to sell stuff to people, according to the New York Times, which broke this story wide open with an epic piece in yesterday's paper. There are three clear points that you, the educated consumer, must understand: Companies are run by starry-eyed celebrity hound white guys who will pay any price to hang out with a cool rapper or have their umbrella endorsed by Rihanna; many celebrities are themselves sheep, convinced that their endorsement deal is a meaningful attempt by a corporation to plumb the depths of their soul (it's really not! surprisingly); and finally, all of this is the fault of dirty gossip websites just like this one!

A Fiat commercial featuring Tibet supporter Richard Gere tooling around in a shiny new Lancia and chilling with some Tibetan monks has the Reds in China all steamed. Why the hell would the Italian car-maker give a crap what China thinks? Zillions of dollars in slave labor! So naturally they're apologizing to the thin-skinned, human rights-abusing regime. "Gere is well known for supporting Tibet's independence from China, which subjected the tiny state to a brutal crackdown this year. Fiat CEO Sergio Marchionne backed the commercial when it was shown to reporters on June 4. 'I obviously like it,' he said. Chinese newspapers responded with reports criticizing the ad, however, and Fiat issued an apology on Friday. 'Fiat reiterates its neutrality in connection with any political matter, be it on a national or international basis,' it said. 'Fiat Group extends its apologies to the Government of the People's Republic of China and to the Chinese people.'" [Variety] See the offensive ad after the jump.

Here's the best entertainment piece you'll read all weekend: Alex Witchel's New York Times Magazine profile of Matthew Weiner, the creator of Mad Men, a brilliant drama on AMC entering its second season that does to the 60's advertising industry what Boeing Boeing tried to do to the 60's airline industry. Lots of sex, booze, smoking, shellacked hair, and modular furniture, but also some of the smartest scriptwriting on television. Whether or not Weiner stays true to the nature of jingle-and-tagline executives as they formerly existed (the secretaries' breasts are right out of the John Currin catalog) is almost besides the point once you hear him describe a plot motive:

Heinz has a new commercial out in the UK starring a guy who works at a deli. He's so popular for his delicious mayonnaise, you see, that the man of the house gives him a kiss on the way out the door. But Bill O'Reilly sees this for what it really is: "It was obviously a gay thing!" O'Reilly's insight into the gay issue is almost as piercing as his colleague John Gibson's was when he cracked all those gay jokes about Heath Ledger right after the actor's death. "This whole gender-blending thing, it's confusing to me," says O'Reilly. "I just want mayonnaise. I don't want guys kissing." Sorry; you must have a man's tongue in your mouth before you get any mayonnaise, Bill. Watch the homosexual Heinz ad after the jump.

This ad for Cooper's Beer just won an award at the prestigious ad festival in Cannes. I guess because of its sophisticated message: No Fat Chicks. The copy reads "Only 2.9% alcohol," meaning you won't get too wasted to notice this pretty girl is totally not skinny, and if you take her home, dude, whoa, watch out in the morning! I would really like to hear some Jezebel input on this thoughtful campaign. Click through for the second terrible award-winning spot, which has the equally important message: No Nerdy Chicks With Freckles Either, Broheim!:

Are you aware that Camels are made from finer, more expensive tobaccos than any other brand? And that they stimulate digestion, taste great, and will make you a better swimmer? Failing to teach your kids to smoke Camels is virtually child abuse! All true, according to the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company. We've compiled five of the most outrageous claims from classic Camel ads of the 1930s-50s, from the peerless archive at the Gallery of Graphic Design. Read them and be educated. Do it for your "T-Zone!"

There's not much to be said about this ad for HeadBlade, a nifty head-shaving product, except this: when you're putting a double entendre in your tagline about guys getting oral sex, do you want them to also associate that process with a blade? Seems a little too "John Wayne Bobbitt's most memorable razor" to cause a very positive psychological connection with the target audience. The full, misguided, gay-targeted ad, after the jump.

Tiger Woods has announced that he tore his ACL and will miss the rest of the golf season, so it's time to despair, toss your golf clubs in the water, and sell any investments you have in any company remotely connected with golf as fast as possible. TV networks that show golf tournaments and the companies that advertise on those broadcasts are doing exactly that right now, although with slow, undetectable movements, and with a broad smile on their face for the press. "Golf will be fine!" they'll say, with their stomachs sinking as they look at the numerical proof of the "Tiger Effect":

Oh, excellent: Just in time for gay-wedding gift shopping, Emporio Armani erected, in San Francisco's Union Square, a massive advertisement featuring David Beckham in the fashion line's new underwear. According the soccer star's hometown tabloid, the Sun, this is the largest-yet ad featuring Beckham's "package... on public display." Gothamites, too, will get the chance to walk past a massive blow-up of Beck's junk on their way to work each day, since the campaign will eventually spread to New York, Los Angeles, Rome, London, Milan, Paris and Tokyo. But Armani wanted to start in San Francisco to alleviate any doubts about the target demographic for stylish men's undies. Click through for a larger pic.

The Juergen Teller shots of Victoria Beckham for Marc Jacobs' spring ad campaign were met with the usual awed glee when they were released earlier this year. But now there's a backlash! Liz Jones, a columnist at the Daily Mail, is worried that these ads "sum up just what's WRONG with high fashion." Specifically, she thinks the ads are "cruel," because they amount to an in-joke by the photographer and stylists to make Beckham appear gawky and helpless without the aid of Jacobs' fabulous fashion. Well, we do agree the ads are dumb. But Jones' accusation that they show Beckham "seemingly worshipping at the altar of designer fashion" is an equally dumb tautology. And while we applaud her confessional tone about being a slave to designers, it appears that someone has slapped this columnist upside the head with the "Obvious Day" stick:

Mars bought the huge chewing gum concern Wrigley a few months ago. Hershey is scared of being crushed, so it's boosting its marketing spending by 40% over the next two years. You know what this means, according to the press: they are locked in a "Candy War." A Candy War! [WSJ]

Microsoft has purchased Waltham, Massachusetts-based Navic Systems, which complies data from cable boxes in order for advertisers to target based on demographics and geography. Microsoft wants to build an Internet dashboard to allow marketers to purchase online display, search, videogame and TV advertising all in one place. Mostly, Microsoft wants to do this because Google, which hired NBC executive Michael Steib to sell the idea to broadcasters, wants to do this. Google cofounder Sergey Brin likes to say Google will bring the accountability of online advertising to television ad-buying, but we're not sure there are enough metrics or market demand for that to happen. TV advertisers and their agency-buyers seem to agree with us. Last we heard, only about 200 actually use Google's product.(Photo by videocrab)

Is it a mark of progress that our national ads can now feature characters that are far more foul-mouthed and offensive to white bread America than in times past? I'm inclined to say yes. The Times considers the rise of Family Guy characters as beloved ad icons, even for wholesome brands like Coke and Subway. But hey, sometimes they say things on that show that are funny! Times are changing, you see, and these cartoon characters are just acceptable enough to squeeze into the mainstream under the rubric of "edgy." Since this is a hugely popular TV show on the Fox Network that is just the next in a long line of "edgy" cultural moments, you could correctly call this an antiquated discussion (even for the olds). The real question is: will Americans stand for a fat, ignorant cartoon father telling them how to eat their meat?

New York might have those pornographic, fake American Apparel ads, but I like this San Francisco advertising remix better, for three reasons: One, the prankster got it onto the side of one of those cable cars all the tourists ride. Two, that "Don't ask, don't tell" starburst is such a nice touch. It looks just like the authentic "It's thrilling!" logo, and must have taken some work. Third, the photo of the "marine" totally matches the color scheme of the headline, which originally read, "Been Down On A Submarine Lately?" This is the kind of creative work you can only get when your city leads the country in both gay liberation and designers per capita. [Joestump on Flickr]