Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to craft an episode around surf wear, the delusion it won't be the worst episode ever. The vision of picking a strong teammate , the delusion that it will save you.

Yes, that's right, last night's episode might have been the worst single episode in Project Runway history. Yes, that's right, even worse than season four menswear debacle. Nothing about this episode made sense, from the challenge to the judging to the way teams were picked. It's almost like new team Bunim/Murray Productions is a first year teacher in an inner city school: the new season starts and everyone's fresh and full of ideas, but around three weeks in, they realize they're in an impossible situation and they just start doing anything they can just to make it through the day. Wait until episode nine!

Anyway, because we're now in California, we had to go to the beach. Not a bad idea, but calling in the extras from Blue Crush to give a half ass tutorial on surf wear just wasn't cutting it. And then the big twist! A second look! Oh, we've never seen that trick before. And the look has to be avant-garde. What the fuck does the cutting edge have to do with clothes that are usually found at Pacific Sunwear in the mall. Absolutely nothing. When they did a couture/wearable challenge in season four, at least the two made sense together. Also, the picking of the teams was totally ludicrous. A "team leader" was selected arbitrarily and then each designer picked a mate. Stupid! So you had "leaders" like Mitchell, perhaps the most ill-equipped designer in Runway history as a "leader" for no good reason. It makes no sense. And we just used scare quotes. We hate this fucking challenge.

What We Hate:

  • The challenge: See above.
  • Ms. Kors MIA: Where is the great orange lady? Does he have some more important work designing dress shirts that are going to end up at Marshalls? Max Azria was a good replacement though, but he could have ratcheted up the bitchy a little.
  • Rachel Bilson: Thanks for your whole two line contribution to the episode. And what was she even doing there. She has nothing to do with surfing or fashion and she's not even that famous. Come on, Runway. If you're just going to pick people at random, have Heidi haul Seal in. He's just as qualified.
  • Getting Ready Montages: Only one shot of Logan shirtless and his back is to the camera? What a waste.
  • Models of the Runway: While we promised to never mention this show again, we realized that it is totally fucking up the way they do challenges. In past seasons, they would have had a team and they would have made one outfit and the model not being used would just cool her heels back stage. Now, we have to make sure that every model gets used every week, hence why every pair had to make two looks rather than focus on one. Now we hate the show even more.

What We Love:

  • Heidi's Outfit at Judging: The navy-and-black-striped knit dress was a stunner. So nice to see her pull off some fashion while she's not pregnant for a brief spell.
  • The Georgia O'Keefe Movie Commercials: It's so Lifetime.

This week judging got really sticky when the judges learned that Mitchell and Ra'Mon's outfits were pretty much designed and made exclusively by Ra'Mon. Ra'Mon won and Mitchell, in the bottom for the third time in a row, finally got the boot. While we like Ra'Mon's first flowing brown, blue, and teal creation, we were not a fan of the "gored by a squid" ink blot neon thing that was his avant garde look. In our opinion, the three best duos of the night were Althea and Kenley Jr. with a cute beach wrap and a magnificent glittery flapper number, boyfriend Logan and Christopher with a wearable gold-inflected top and pants and a stunningly huge gold-inflected dress, and Carol Hannah and Shirin with a giant sarong and bikini combo and green gem-toned gown. Of course, none of those would be on top.

For more Runway injustice and total suckitude—to the videos!


Tim Gunn in Sandals
 Context: The producers force Tim to dress down for the beach. He is not happy.
Vision: Tim Gunn doesn't dress up on his days off.
Delusion: This is Grampa Gunn for fuck's sake. He wears a three-piece suit to take a shower!
What Would Nina Say?: "Oh, Timothy. You're too much!"
Dram-ometer: 3

Meltdown of the Week
 Context: Spell Check and Epperson can't get along. They repeat this performance again on the runway for the judges.
Vision: That you can make something worth wearing while cussing out each other.
Delusion: We think the delusion is that the judges believe their outfits sucked because they couldn't communicate. It's cause they're both shitty designers.
What Would Nina Say?: "People, Really!"
Dram-ometer: 9

Under the Gunn
 Context: Gramps has a visceral reaction to the jumpsuit that Mitchell and Ra'Mon are planning.
Vision: A literal translation of swimwear couture. Luckily Ra'Mon has the vision to scrap it altogether and create another look and goes on to the win.
Delusion: A skin-tight jumpsuit.
What Would Nina Say?: "Where is she going to wear that? A tea party under the sea?"
Dram-ometer: 7

Runway Arrogance
 Context: Our Girl Althea and Kenley Jr. watch their looks march down the runway. They get passed through to next week. We believe they deserve to be in the top.
Vision: Follow the challenge, create two great looks, and you won't get ignored in favor of a reject from Body Glove's 1987 spring collection.
Delusion: The judge's delusion that these pieces were worse than Tranny Meth and Irina's avant-garde design, that looked like a model and 18 yards of panty hose got stuck in a ship's propeller and then washed up on shore.
What Would Nina Say?: Nothing. They merely got passed through.
Dram-ometer: 3

Back Talk
 Context: Mitchell's strategy was to pick someone talented and have them carry him along the beach. It's like that Footprints poem, but there is no Jesus. He did absolutely nothing all episode but prance around and crack jokes about as lame as the shorts he trotted out on the runway last week. Finally, he gets called out by the judged and sent home. Maybe there is a Jesus after all!
Vision: That doing nothing will get you somewhere.
Delusion: Telling the truth about being a lazy sack of shit isn't going to make Heidi come after you like PR girls for free champagne at a fashion show after party.
What Would Nina Say?: "I agree with Heidi"
Dram-ometer: 6

The Cruelty of Life as Chronicled on Models of the Runway