They honor our drunken Cinderellas, and they humor our aging, slap-happy sirens. But when it comes to allowing the Paul Blart: Mall Cop phenomenon through customs this weekend, the British resistance has spoken.

The Guardian took one look at the film's trailer and its backers at Happy Madison before determining that the stateside Blart-ocalypse isn't quite Euro-friendly enough for England. For starters, they don't even have mall cops over there, but Sony is reportedly saving its British title change, Paul Blart: Rent-A-Bobby, for the imminent sequel moving our hero across the Atlantic. Worse yet, the author addresses Blart's Segway like a sort of gryphon of contemporary transport — fanciable and fascinating, though surely not the kind of American mythology Brits would indulge en masse:

What do people want in a recession? They want movies about unremarkable but likeable people doing surprising and remarkable things in the places they recognise.

And you can imagine that being a reassuring and enjoyable thing if that was all part of your cultural frame of reference -– from the mall cops to the Segways to the food court to the brand names. But without it, what the rest of the world has is a chubby guy on a Segway rolling around boxed goods.

Fair enough, though we have put up with your jaunty, Oscar-fitted slum fantasia all winter long. Here — take Observe and Report instead, we'll reclaim Blart, and everyone's happy-ish. Settled.