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Following the recent, violent critical confrontation from which he barely escaped alive, Roger Ebert appears to have adopted a generous new perspective on both his life (Lou Lumenick, forgiven) and his work (The Women, three stars). Nowhere is the New Ebert more conspicuous than in his fascinating tutorial about Creationism, which, he argues in his introduction, "should be discussed in schools as an alternative to the theory of evolution." No kidding? While this doesn't sound like the guy who took down Sarah Palin a few weeks ago as the "American Idol candidate," we know from more than 40 years of reviews that he's a nuanced dude entitled to a range of complex opinions. Alternatively, Ebert's tongue may be so far in his cheek it'll leave a bruise, but a bit of digging by Defamer operatives yielded a series of exclusive, unpublished outtakes suggesting he might be keeping it real. After the jump, we pick up where Rog left off.Q: Why would God create such an absurd creature as a moose? A: In charity, we must observe that the moose probably does not seem absurd to itself. Q: OK, but what about Ben Lyons? A: That's not God's fault. Jeffrey Lyons fucked that one up. Q: Do Creationists believe in the Big Bang? A: It depends on how you choose to define "the Big Bang." If you mean some variation on Georges Lemaître's hypothesis of a primeval atom from which all matter came forth some 14 billion years ago (a theory later substantiated in part by scientists including Albert Einstein), then no. If you mean the buxom, oversexed environment epitomized by my screenplay for Russ Meyer's Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, then yes. Holy shit, those bangs were big. Q: Let's go back a second. You mentioned that man showed up on Earth fully formed. What about scientific proof of Cro-Magnon or Neanderthal man? A: Again, all surviving species and many others were created fully formed at the same time. Of human species, only Scientologists survived. Q: So what are you and I? A: Thetans. You didn't know that? Except for Lou Lumenick; I don't know what the fuck is up with him. Q: And Creationism asserts that we really walked the Earth with dinosaurs? A: Only a few people: Charlton Heston, Sumner Redstone, guys like that. Are we done here? Q: Wait — what happens to us when we die? A: It's complicated. But there are some tapes over there of me and the old lady ouijaing Gene Siskel a few years ago if you wanna have a look. It's pretty prescient, really: C-A-N-C-E-L A-T T-H-E M-O-V-I-E-S... that kind of thing. Heaven's real, I guess. Anyway, e-mail me any follow ups, will you? Neil LaBute is waiting for me.