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We had a feeling that the latest image hit (for the sake of argument, let's pretend that there is still some kind of image to be hit) that Britney Spears suffered in the wake of her New Year's Eve Effen-induced nap-collapse would require that the stay-at-club mom once again communicate directly (and by "directly," we of course mean "through a carefully worded publicist statement that vaguely sounds like it might have been dictated by a developmentally stunted onetime pop star") with her fans through her website, letting them know that any fears they might have about her being on the verge of an "emergency appendectomy" are the fault of the sleep-suspicious false tabloids. Reassureth Britney:

Dear Fans,

It has been a while since I've addressed you personally here on my official website. The last couple of years have been quite a ride for me, the media has criticized my every move and printed a skewed perception of who I really am as a human being. Behind every decision I have made in my public life there always seems to be an apparent contradiction. I have come to terms with that which is why I usually don't pay much attention to it.

The last couple of years have been very enlightening for me and now that I've had the time to be "me," I've been able to sit down and think about where I want to go with myself as an entertainer with absolutely no strings attached. I am now more mature and feel like I am finally "free." I've been working so hard on this new album and I can't wait for you all to hear it and to go on tour again! I would like to exclusively tell you that I am working hard to release the new album sometime later this year, but the date is of course not certain yet. I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever, and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level. I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting down soon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasons that went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing. If I were you I'd be unhappy too if I had to read what I've been reading every day. But trust me, I get it. I know I've been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of fun exaggerating my every move, but I want you all to know that I love my fans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Love,
Britney

We're not exactly sure what Spears' promise to come back "better than ever" entails, but we suspect that's she already booked her laser vagina-rejuvenation surgery, determined that she won't again have her image so easily tarnished by the cruel lenses of the cooch-exaggerating media.