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Like so many of you, Gawker awakened yesterday morning in a pile of filth with an aching head and a burning sensation when we attempted to urinate. And, like many of you, we decided that this was the year we would change our lives in an attempt to have the best 2007 we possibly could. After the jump, our promises to you and ourselves.

  • We resolve to ramp up our coverage of The View, which has been shockingly underreported in these parts.
  • We will endeavor to give you more more information about outerborough gymnasiums and kielbasa outlets.
  • We will come up with a replacement phrase for "threw up in my mouth a little bit," possibly involving "took a dump in my pants a lot bit."
  • We will try to provide more context, preserve more vertical space, and not be afraid to be servicey. Also, campaigns!
  • We will make less fun of Jews, unless they do something really Jewy or we're short on jokes that day.
  • We know how Gawker readers are quick to embrace change and new features; we promise to provide a slew of new columns and series, many of which will be earnest and generous, especially "Chewing the Fat," our multi-part investigation of the citywide obesity epidemic.
  • We will attempt to make our blatantly obvious filler posts slightly less obvious through use of obfuscatory graphics and design elements.
  • We'll try to use fewer words like "obfuscatory."
  • We're going to give you plenty of naked photos of sexy Gawker editor Alex Balk. (This is Balk, btw.)
  • We're going to quit meth and ho-ery. This is the year, we can feel it.
  • When stuck for actual news we will try to avoid doing meaningless bullet-point lists in an attempt to meet post count.
  • Any other suggestions? Let us know.