This image was lost some time after publication.

· Donald Vs. Rosie: Round 1. Round 2. Round 3 (The make-up sex round.)
· Pageant Sluts Unite!: Miss USA pardoned. MADD's mad at Miss Teen USA. Miss Nevadaaiaaiaiaiaiaiai.
· Everybody wins! We bring you a round-up of every critics' group's year-end list, from Southeast to San Diego.
· Happy Birthday to Sylvester Stallone's uncredited co-writer, who can walk on water, yet still can't manage to nail that second-act montage sequence.
· Judd Apatow celebrates his kid's birthday at Chuck E. Blood.
· Gus Van Santa Claus's swerving sleigh is pulled over.
· A Jewish woman in Hancock Park Adjacent goes candy cane crazy with her holiday decorations.
· Chad Lowe stumbles into the wrong Christmas party; wisely chooses not to stay, get drunk, and yammer on about how much he still loves Hilary.
· The perfect, last-minute gift for the boss who has everything.
· Lindsay Lohan is not going to lie to ya: She really respects the cunts now.
· Joe Barbera leaves this world, and with him, the truth about whether or not Fred from Scooby-Doo was gay.
· Jews are responsible for shoddy condoms, too.
· Brian Atene is not just a Trekkie, but an Apey as well.
· Jake Gyllenhaal accidentally receives Miss Marple's birthday presents.
· Have a very Viacom Christmas! It's the best corporate multiconglomerate time of the year!