"The Ethicist" is Randy Cohen's long-running advice column in the New York Times. Each week, Gabriel Delahaye's "The Unethicist" will answer the same questions as "The Ethicist," with obvious differences.

I am an Internet technician. While installing software on my company's computer network, I happened on a lot of pornographic pictures in the president's personal directory, including some of young children — clearly less than 18, possibly early teens. It is probably illegal and is absolutely immoral. Must I call the police? I think so, but I need my job. S.M.N., Vancouver

Let's be honest here, you're not an Internet technician, you're an I.T. guy. Internet technician! Clean the Cheeto dust off your brain. I.T. doesn't stand for "Internet technician," it stands for maladjusted nerd who won't stop talking about World of Warcraft while trying to figure out why my work computer won't let me save some bullshit document that I don't even care about to the bullshit shared server.

Look, I know that you're constantly baffled by the people in the office who don't seem to suffer from crippling social anxiety, or who for some reason don't watch or care about the updated Battlestar Gallactica on the Sci Fi network. And I know that rather than try and acclimate yourself to normalized adult society, you just wear ill-fitting clothing and amplify your nervous tics to make other people uncomfortable because if they're going to avoid you anyway, why not indulge all of your socially unacceptable personal habits in order to make your insecurities really come to life! But you're not getting two for flinching anymore, okay? There's something to be said for wearing deodorant and getting a human-looking haircut. We all have days where we want to wear our pajamas to work, the rest of us have just realized that pants is a small price to pay for self-respect.

So, what to do after you're done masturbating to the porn you've discovered on your boss's computer? Okay, fine, what to do after you're done masturbating and then transferring to a thumb drive the porn you've discovered on your boss's computer? First, destroy his life by making highly speculative but public accusations of pedophilia. Why should you be the only one ostracized by society? Second, calli.m. your internet girlfriend in Canada and tell her what you've done. She might be so impressed that you'll even get to meet her in person one day.


Our 17-year-old daughter's employer, a national retailer, held a contest: whoever opens credit-card accounts for the most customers wins a TV. Our daughter was ahead until a co-worker brought in ringers, her friends, and was fed accounts by a manager. Do we confront the manager or tell our daughter to be more alert next time? L. M., Atlanta

Well, if your daughter was hot, she would be working at American Apparel, but I don't think American Apparel is rolling out their own credit line yet. Plus, the prize would be, like, a pair of lamé boy shorts or something. So, I'm guessing Best Buy? Yuck.

So, let me get this straight, your dog of a daughter is getting a valuable lesson in how the world really works and you want to be a little whiny bitch about it so that she grows up feeling self-righteous and morally superior to people who just want to get a free TV because they fucking work at Best Buy?

Wait, let's go back to the beginning. If your daughter is ugly, that probably makes you ugly, too. Now it's starting to make sense. As far as you're concerned, the world is infinitely unfair, so when you feel like someone has gotten away with something they shouldn't have—say, passing you in highway construction traffic in the lane that is going to be closed in 1/4 mile, which is so unfair, right?—the best thing you can do is honk your horn, and if possible complain about it to a middle manager. Your hobbies probably include writing letters to customer service, giving cashiers lessons on courtesy, and indignant scolding.

But listen up, Ugly. You've got to take what you can get. You're not winning any beauty contests, and neither is your daughter. If looks really don't matter and it's what's inside that counts, then start using what's inside to get some fucking free shit. There's nothing worse than being physically unattractive AND petulantly obnoxious, and the sooner your daughter learns that lesson, the less likely she is to die a virgin.

Earlier: Get Out of My Dreams, and Out of My Car