"The Ethicist" is Randy Cohen's long-running advice column in the New York Times. Each week, Gabriel Delahaye's "The Unethicist" will answer the same questions as "The Ethicist," with obvious differences.

I stopped patronizing a mail-order company when it began including editorial content about Jesus in its catalog, finding that inappropriate. I now plan to visit a camera store owned and staffed by Orthodox Jews. Although I am an observant Jew, I do not regularly wear a yarmulke, but I'm considering doing so in the hope of preferential treatment, maybe even a discount. Hypocritical? Ethical? — R.K., New York

I have no problem with this.

Three friends and I borrowed another friend's car for a weekend in the country. We filled the tank at a highway rest stop. On our way home, the car broke down and had to be towed to a garage. The repairs cost nearly $1,000. The damage was almost certainly caused by the gas we bought, although we can't be sure. Who should pay for the repairs, which were not covered under warranty — us or the car owner? — J. P., New York

I'm sorry, what? What kind of gas did you buy that broke the car? You know that Mountain Dew: Code Black isn't gas, right? It is X-Treme, but it is not gas. Did you ... Seriously, what are you talking about?

I'm going to just ignore the part where you put Mountain Dew: Code Black into a car because you thought it was gas, Doc Brown. But I'd like to take a moment to congratulate you on borrowing a friend's car for the weekend and going on some kind of Big Chill fuckfest without him, only to cap the whole thing off with a $1,000 bill for car damage that you caused (because you think novelty soda is fuel). It makes me really, really glad that I stopped talking to all my friends.

As far as who should pay the bill for the damage that you admit yourself that you caused, I think your friend should pay it. Once you start taking advantage of people, you can't pussy out. Do you even need to give the car back? Why not just keep it. Fuck that guy. Keep his car! But make him move it during the week to avoid street cleaning. Just kidding. The car is in his name, so who cares if you get a ticket? Or a boot? Set the car on fire. Set your friend on fire. Piss in his face. The only limit is your imagination.

Seriously, though, you can't break a car by putting gas into it. I'm giving you one point for being a total asshole to your "friend," but subtracting two points for being a total retard to the rest of the world.

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