"The Ethicist" is Randy Cohen's long-running advice column in the New York Times. Each week, Worker #3116's "The Unethicist" will answer the same questions as "The Ethicist," with obvious differences.

Late one night, my partner and a friend came home with a guy they met at a bar. I was asleep, but joined them for a little while before going back to bed. The next morning, my iPod was missing. I had left it in the living room on the docking station. After talking to my partner and his friend, we deduced that the third guy had taken it. Who must replace the iPod? Dave, New York

I'm confused. This sounds like a hot gay porno, and then you're all crying about some iPod? Did you fuck these guys or what? And if the answer to that question is no, then STOP WASTING MY TIME. Besides, do you really need 10,000 Erasure songs at 128 kbps that can fit in the palm of your hand? Haven't you sort of gotten sick of "Music for the Masses" by now?

The obvious solution is to steal someone else's iPod. It's like that movie Pay It Forward, except without Haley Joel Osment, and with stealing. Of course you have to be careful because you never know what kind of crap other people are listening to, especially in the gay community. I recommend stealing from a friend who shares your interests. And then, when they notice that their iPod is gone, blame it on a black person!

A friend and I were returning from Paris. An Air France ticket agent offered me a free upgrade to business class. I refused, not wanting to leave my friend in economy. Later, at the gate, she was offered the same upgrade and took it happily. Wasn't this wrong of her, especially since I had another seven hours of travel after her journey ended? Janet Goodwin, Aurora, Colo.

When you turned down the free upgrade I bet you patted yourself on the back for being such a good friend. You are so caring and thoughtful. You are a great person. Fuuuuuuck yoooooooou.

Most people would be excited to get an upgrade to first class because you get better food, free drinks, and more leg room. But your friend was probably just excited to get the fuck away from you and your pedantic self-righteousness. After a week of listening to you go on and on about how important it is to buy Fair Trade coffee, and how you were just devastated by the latest Kristof editorial in the Times, I have a feeling that first-class upgrade and the ensuing seven hours of peace and quiet was the only thing keeping your friend from putting une bullet dans her brain.

Incidentally, I think you cede the moral high ground when you use your full name to bitch slap your friend in a nationally syndicated advice column.

I had a summer job at a bank where my brother and I have accounts. When I mentioned to a co-worker that my brother owed me $50, she offered to move the money from his account to mine without consulting him. I believe it was ethical to do this because records were kept of the transaction, should a dispute occur, but friends think it was wrong. Was it? Cody Cobb, Houston

I have no problem with this.