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· How do you know when it's time to can your publicist? How about when Queen of the Celebrity Salad Tossers disses you on morning television?
· The Men of Katie Holmes' Past finally FINALLY! speak up about her current, ahem, situation. Verdict: Have a happy silent birth, Volcano Girl!
· Girls Gone Wild mogul Joe Francis will never look at a pink vibrator in quite the same way again. At least he has the warm n' fuzzy-wishes in his guest book to cheer him up.
· Fox is probably taking Arrested Development behind the barn and putting it down.
· The Guy Under The Mysterious Black Neighbors Stairs gets fired from Desperate Housewives, cloaked in mysterious, widely speculated-about allusions to "improper conduct." By week's end, he's mostly forgotten about and replaced, Hollywood-style!
· A recently shitcanned Apprentice writes in to protest his mistreatment at the hands of The Donald.
· Entertainment Tonight puts their psychics to good use.
· Warren Beatty and Annette Bening crash a Schwarzenegger rally. It didn't hurt: voters shoot down all eight special electing initiatives, sending the Governor running to IMdB for the words by which to comfort his supporters.
· Stupid Paris Hilton gets into a stupid wreck in her stupid boyfriend's stupid Bentley.