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As amazing as it sounds, being Paris Hilton's publicist is not an easy job; Hilton's burned-out ex-flacks are about as ubiquitous as wealthy Greeks who have tasted the heiress' tonsils in a VIP booth at Spider Club. But when tales of Hilton's latest celebutart escapades start making the rounds, who does one call for the inevitable, feeble shrug-and-no-comment cocktail? Radar ran into this very problem today, encountering two deeply masochistic PR professionals claiming the rights of first denial:

When we finally reached [alleged Hilton publicist Elliot] Mintz, the veteran flack was cagey about his Hilton duties. “I am one of her representatives and have been dealing with her for some time now,” he said. “I don’t want to convey the illusion that every public utterance on earth about Paris Hilton is my responsibility, but when it comes to personal matters and the private matters of her life, I’m the one you should keep in your rolodex.”

This came as a surprise to Jack Ketsoyan, Hilton’s (real) new publicist at PMK/HBH. “He doesn’t represent Paris, I do,” he said. “I just took her on as of Monday. I’m handling everything—the music, the shows, everything.” Ketsoyan, who said he’s never heard of Mintz, had “no clue” why the spokesman would try to claim Hilton as his own, adding, “I’m very excited, and we’re looking forward to working with her.”

Guys, guys! There's plenty of Hilton crises to go around. By the time you wake up tomorrow, it's likely that she'll have been caught blowing Ashton Kutcher at a Kabbalah Fake Yom Kippur service, then announce she's engaged to Lindsay Lohan's dad. Have your assistants coordinate who gets to say, "We're not in the business of remarking on our clients' personal lives," and who gets, "Paris is a deeply spiritual person and often sees Ashton at the Centre, but that's simply not true."