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First, the bad news: There will be no Blind Item Guessing Game today. Breathe deeply into your brown paper lunch bag, pop an extra Vicodin, and, all on your own, think of an actor that you believe to be straight—then picture him in a sweaty clinch with a slightly less famous actor. See? You're gonna get through this. You don't need Ted Casablanca to have fun.

In directly related news, Casablanca's The Awful Truth column, your treasured, weekly source of incomprehensible celebrity-inspired prose, is now a daily affair. We doubt that every day will be as tragically devoid of blind item pleasure as today, but Casablanca's tech slaves have attempted to compensate by rolling out a brand new feature, The Awful Decoder (pictured). A simple mouseover now provides handy definitions for selected instances of the humpy gossipist's linguistic innovations. (Did you know that "natch" means "naturally" and that "Oy!" is "Yiddish for 'Jeez, did Britney eat another Taco Bell burrito before breakfast?" Now you do!) We knew the day would come when internet technology would finally catch up with Casablanca's language-mangling capacity. By next Wednesday, we expect the Decoder to take a HAL-like evolutionary leap, enabling the reader to hover a cursor over any male celebrity's name and hear Ted's voice squeal, "Oh my God, that guy lurves him some big, fat cock!"