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We apologize. We really jumped the gun when we referred to the initial announcement that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were dating as the opening of the Seventh Seal. Which apocalyptic Seal are we up to since then? The Ninth? Fourteenth?

For the moment, and in the interest of speed, we have only this to say: We have no idea whether or not a virgin birth was written into her contract. We imagine her lawyers are looking into that right now.