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As if the the conversion of Lindsay Lohan into doll form wasn't a bad enough idea, manufacturer Mattel is defending the smaller and slightly more plastic Lohan and big sis Barbie, which now include imagination-killing DVDs featuring their fictional exploits, as a parent's last defense against schools' shrinking arts budgets:

Girls used to be able to get a doll's backstory from the back of its box. But that's changing, as more retailers release straight-to-video productions that help introduce new characters—and sell more dolls. [...]

Parents might see the movies as underhanded advertising. But Mattel, which has sold nearly 27 million Barbie films worldwide since 2001, doesn't agree. "Kids see through that," says Rob Hudnut, vice president of entertainment development. "We're trying to fill a void in the education system in teaching kids about the arts."

While we allow that pulling the Lohan doll's string and hearing "Sweetie, you still have a little bit on your nose. [Sssssnnniff!] There, got it!" might teach local tweens some valuable survival skills, we encourage any parent who buys it to cover for a shortfall in their kid's cultural education to go, right now, and drop their kids off at Child Protective Services, no questions asked. You might miss them at first, but can comfort yourselves knowing that you may have put off our return to the caves for at least a couple of more weeks.