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An anonymous spy claiming to be from Access Hollywood issues this cry for help from deep within the bowels of dinner-time celebrity-worship programming:

Over here in Burbank we hear that Rob Silverstein, our great leader, is bringing us down to the point that the foreign press association is so pissed at Access Hollywood for his abusive emails and calls they are considering legal action.

He is so angry about other shows getting favors ... he has gone overboard. Our ratings are dropping by the day and apparently he thinks this is how he should react instead of changing the direction of the show to keep up with Extra, ET and The Insider.

We are all afraid that we'll be canceled because of his actions. HELP.

We can never keep these shows straight...is Access Hollywood the one with the smarmy guy with the mustache? Or the one with the chick who looks exactly like Mary Hart did in 1986? We can never concentrate during the seizures induced by watching a report on Nicole Kidman's manicure. But, in any case...help? Maybe if we all start clapping like we're trying to heal Tinkerbell, AH will slowly rise in the ratings and regain the love of the foreign press.