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Who needs Cops when we have Lindsay Lohan's family? Today's Page Six is overflowing with the wacky antics of Lindsay's dad Michael and mom Dina. Michael's agreed to more rehab but still insists he doesn't have a drinking problem, Michael calls Lindsay's friends "lowlifes" and "parasites," Dina drinks her lunch, and Michael claims Dina's assistant Ann nearly ran him over and—wait, it gets better—threatened to kick his ass. And best of all, Michael takes a poke at the Lohan/Spears Head Liar In Charge:

Lohan blames Lindsay's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, for spreading rumors that he's an out-of-control alcoholic with anger-management issues. "Leslie Sloane is a phony," Lohan said. "We don't like each other one bit." Zelnick declined to comment.

Our hero! The over-under on Michael Lohan getting his own reality show (in which he bounces between the coasts trying to talk to Lindsay while Dina tries to block him) is three months, plus or minus one month depending on the actual length of his time-out in rehab.