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There is but one thing that could rouse us from the weekend-long absinthe binge that prepares us for the ordeal of the Primetime Emmy Awards and sit us down in front of the computer: the surprise wedding of Britney Spears to layabout facial hair innovator/underemployed Baryshnikov Kevin Federline. We're relieved, really, because we anticipate not having to report any Spears-related secret wedding rumors for at least the next seven months. And that lovely thought has us feeling magnanimous enough (though we are forced to consider the possibility that the pleasant, lightly-burning sensation around our heart is due to the absinthe) to wish Mr. and Mrs. Federline a long and happy union. May the child that will soon follow grow fat and happy on a diet of mashed Cheetos and Red Bull, and may angels merrily dance in the background of its dreams.

[Photo: Matrix]