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Well played, evil, press-duping MTV overlords. You tricked us into watching the VMAs by floating a breathless "Britney's getting married, wink wink!" rumor. Well, she didn't get married, and as far as we can tell, she wasn't even present at the VMAs. (Take that statement for what it's worth; we did a shot of Grey Goose each time someone at the show declared something "hott." After ten minutes, we were certain that we could discern between the "two-t" and elusive "three-t" permutations of the word, adjusting our alcohol consumption proportionally.)

The Defamer correspondent for meaningless cable award shows sent in this play-by-play of the VMAs. We wish we knew he was going to take a crack at it, which would have freed us up for more productive pursuits like—eh, who do we think we're kidding? We would've watched anyway.

I'm giving you a play by play...

I'm real high, so I may have missed something.

Will Smith came out. Blah. People clapped. Shaq came out. He's in Miami now, right? People clapped. Bah.

No Doubt won an award.

Jay-Z won an award.

Jet made Hoobacan'tsingintunestank and Yellowpubes?card look as amateurish as they actually are.

Two hosts I don't know. I think I'm getting too old for this. Someone (one of the hosts I don't know) just broke into song. He's out of tune too. A running theme? Beyoncé just won something for "Naughty Girl." She looks like a bad 70s space whore. Oooh...shout out to J. No "big ups" to God though.

Mark(c) Anthony. He looks like a survivor with good hair.

Kanye West Performs: Jesus Walks...hot song. Tight performance. My biggest issue with hip hop is that it is, more often than not, miserable live. Segue into his other hit. Smoove.

More out of tune singing compliments of...Shaka [sic] Khan? I don't know my divas very well, but I think it's her. Oh man...somewhere, dogs are howling. It IS Shaka [sic]. She's still out of tune.

More to come...

Unfortunately (but unsurprisingly given our correspondent's altered state), more never came. We just hope he's OK not knowing how everything turned out.