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Wherein we invite you, a public that craves dirt like Michael Jackson craves garish vases, to guess the identity of humpy E! gossip-mangler Ted Casablanca's blind item. Caution: We have no fucking idea what he's talking about this week. Is that even English? But the good news is we think it's about a gay actor trying too hard to act straight in public. By now we don't even need to tell you that if celebs aren't doing drugs, they're having gay sex.

Ted sez: "Just a quickie, 'cause that's sure what Pete Pop-Me has a lotta, my luscious ones. P.P.-M. is—as all you guessers like to assume—mentioned, as usual, in all the wrong glossies." Read the full item.

You say: Send guesses to tips@defamer.com. Responses posted later today.