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Every time a flack officially recognizes the death of young love in Hollywood, an angel gets castrated. No, wait. Is that when they lie about a new couple being together or a celebrity pregnancy? We always get these mixed up. In any case, there are now multiple reports that Kirsten Dunst plucked out Jake Gyllenhaal's dreamy eyes two weeks ago and gently rolled them curb-ward, where they can now be picked up by any starlet so inclined. The Sun UK had our favorite headline, which we wished we'd thought up two days ago: KIRSTEN DUMPST.

Oh, those Brits and their incredible mastery of the language! Such an evocative two words, bringing to mind both the dissolution of a romance and suggesting a new name for an arcane sexual practice.