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Like two Abu Ghraib detainees quibbling over who was on top of the man-pile, NBC and CBS both have claimed victory in this season's ratings competition. CBS head/tooth-whitening addict Les Moonves touts his network's triumph in overall viewers, while tiny NBC overlord Jeff Zucker says he bestrides the 18-49 demographic like an itty-bitty Colossus.

Boys, stop fighting, you're both winners in the increasingly irrelevant Nielsen race! Now, Jeff, give Les back his Crest White Strips. And Les, stop holding Jeff's lifts above his head and making him jump up and down trying to grab them. Oh, and Les—don't think we didn't see you lick your hand and slap the top of Jeff's bald head. Play nice!