Google CEO Eric Schmidt once famously proclaimed that today's kids might all need to change their names to escape their embarrassing Internet trail. What about tech CEOs? A new book reveals Schmidt tried, and failed, to scrub his own Google results.

Pants are too droopy, no one dresses up anymore, boys are dressed like girls, girls are dressed with boys. No, these aren't the latest posts on the Things Old People Like To Complain About Tumblr page. They're the complaints gossip dowager Cindy Adams included in a screed about Manhattan street style today:

American idiot Meghan McCain has writed another column for the Daily Beast, which routinely passes along her Blackberried thoughts unedited, this time featuring a nontraditional spelling for the name of her father's campaign manager. Would you edit John Ashbery?

Swelling in Knut's brain caused the world's favorite captive polar bear to fall into a pool and drown two weeks ago, a German pathologist told reporters today. Knut's encephalitis explains why he was stumbling around and suffering from panic attacks before his death. So yes, he was still basically crazy.

The protracted and contentious negotiations between AMC and Lionsgate (the network and studio that produce Mad Men) and Matthew Weiner (the Great Architect of its Womanizing Universe) have finally been resolved, bringing to an end a nail-biting waiting period to rival even that of Joan Holloway's own in a sterile OB/GYN reception room. And the news is good!

Everyone's favorite cult comedy actor is saddling up for yet another television show. Will this one stick? Let's hope so. Also today: Arnold Schwarzenegger announces his next move, TV actors leave and join pilots, and John Travolta is so gangsta.

New theory: Lindsay Lohan is not an alcoholic, but a misunderstood klutz with a penchant for unstable footwear. A supposedly sober Lindsay put the "dive" in Lower East Side's Motor City Bar last night. New York, meet your newest resident. [Images via Getty]

The Central Intelligence Agency is a fundamentally lawless organization that secretly influences events around the globe on behalf of the U.S. It turns out Obama has deployed its agents to Libya, and for some reason liberals are up in arms about it.

The Royal Palace tells People that there will only be one ring at the Wedding Extravaganza of the Century next month, per the couple's wishes. Yes, no wedding band for Prince Willie. What do you think that means?

Microsoft has just filed its first antitrust complaint, in the EU against Google. Let's try to get past the obvious fact that this is like Lady Gaga complaining that someone dresses weird and rips off Madonna while she hurls stones out of a glass house. This is important stuff. It could determine which massive tech corporation controls all of our data in the dystopian future!

Animal rights group PETA has managed to find another stupid way to attract attention: They've asked the city of San Francisco to rename the Tenderloin neighborhood something more in line with the city's perceived eating habits. The group's suggestion? The Tempeh District, because "the city deserves a neighborhood named after a delicious cruelty-free food instead of the flesh of an abused animal," PETA VP Tracy Reiman wrote in a letter to San Francisco's mayor. Oh god. Too bad PETA got it wrong, though. "Tenderloin" was the term used for bribes given to cops in the area back when the neighborhood was still "gritty."

Requests are pouring in to West Hollywood City Hall to have a street named for Liz Taylor. How they'll fit "Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky Ave." on a street sign is their problem.

The patient database of the private health clinic that conducts STD tests for California's porn industry has been breached, exposing test results and personal details about thousands of current and former porn performers, some of which have been published on a Wikileaks-style website.

First Lady Michelle Obama, who has the nerve and audacity and dare I say uppitiness to want our children to eat better and live healthier, ought to be knocked down to her proper place upon hearing this: Illinois's 1st Congressional District, which includes Obama's South Side Chicago home turf, ranks 430th out of 436th in a new national health and well-being survey, and dead last in the "healthy behavior category." Boom.

A new meta-review of scientific studies over the past four decades reassuringly confirms that everything in our world is in perfect order: the beautiful people have every goddamn thing going for them.

Apparently Chris Brown, bellicose pop star, still has plenty of fans. Also today: the return of Dana Delaney and Nancy Travis makes us feel like it's 1994 all over again, Bryan Cranston gets a major role, and Kyle Chandler mulls his next move.

"I am the original, so there is nothing like me.... I feel very blessed that I have been very successful on every area. So it's very exciting. There is nothing else to do." —Paris Hilton, on ex-BFF Kim Kardashian becoming more famous than she is, to the Associated Press.

Mark Zuckerberg's dad, Edward, is a dentist in Dobbs Ferry, NY. We got some sense of the guy from the goofy letter he sent out to prospective patients claiming to be "literally the father of Facebook." But he's not so blatant about his Facebook connection any more.

Reality TV blowhard, presumptive presidential candidate, and personal brand run rampant Donald Trump has been offered a makeover for his infamously surreal hairstyle. We're sure he gets these offers all the time, but this one was made by Oprah Winfrey. It's good as done.

In your coincidental Wednesday media column: James Murdoch gets a promotion, digital media is a strange business, NBC News misplaced its GE story, Starbucks and Morning Joe will never separate, and the NYO is photogenic.