While two Real Time with Bill Maher panel guests got flak today for making sexually charged jokes about Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum on last night's show, it seems nobody batted an eye at the anti-Bachmann, anti-Sarah Palin rant with which Maher ended the broadcast. Until now, at least.

Just like the "Kentucky Woman" Neil Diamond sang about, Melissa Harvick "shines with her own kind of light," you could say. Earlier this week, Harvick appeared at a family court hearing as the defendant in a dispute with her husband, who had filed a domestic violence order against her. While her husband tried to explain his side of the story to the presiding judge, Harvick allegedly interrupted him and wouldn't stop talking. This prompted the judge to sentence Harvick to ten days in jail for contempt of court. The jail sentence did not please Harvick very much, as you will soon come to understand by watching the video above.

Everyone knows that injecting little kids with botox is bad, but what about injecting little kids with heroin? Yes, that is also a parenting "no-no," as alleged heroin dad Jose Paul Velasquez Jr. can tell you, possibly from jail.

To move into his brand-new home, all Kenneth Robinson had to do was fill out a form, write down that the home had been foreclosed upon and abandoned, take the form to his local courthouse, and hand over $16 to the nice clerk lady. So easy!

Haven't you always wondered if mouth-to-beak resuscitation—"bird CPR"—would actually work? Well! We can confirm that, yes, in at least one instance it has: Bend, Ore. veterinarian Jeff Cooney saved a bald eagle (named, boringly, "Patriot") this week by performing CPR on it. Patriot, whom Dr. Cooney is rehabilitating from an apparent car accident, was under anesthesia at the time; KTVZ provides the image above, though we're not sure if the photograph is a staged re-creation of the event or an actual action shot of the heroic lifesaving attempt. Either way, it's good to know that, in the event that you come across a dying bird, you may have a shot at saving its life. [KTVZ]

Important travel info(!!!): When Transportation Security Administration agents grope and grab your or your baby's body parts at airport security checkpoints, they're protecting America from terrorism. When prospective airplane passengers grope and grab TSA agents' body parts, it's felony sexual abuse.

It's summer, and if you're not at the beach, you should be and if you're not fit enough to be seen in public in your swimsuit, here are a bunch of fit celebrities to make you feel even worse about yourself.

Jacob Simmons and Gentry Lee Sutherland, an engaged couple from Anderson County, S.C., believe the man's face that magically appeared on their Walmart receipt is maybe Jesus's face, and therefore a blessing from God. What do you think?

Michael Raper, a 26-year-old employee of meat processing company Bar S, died this week after falling into a meat grinder. Is there a way that this story could be more horrible? Yes, yes there is:

Even though North Dakota's prone to disastrous floods and blizzards and maybe not even a real state, and even though a college degree is possibly worthless in today's jobless job market, lots of Ameri-teens are going to college in North Dakota anyhow. It's so cheap!

Everyone's got a theory about Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's divorce. Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minillo get married. Elin Nordegren's new boyfriend used to date Rachel Uchitel. Saturday gossip is waiting for an invite to the Marine Corps Ball.

Is there anything more gratifying than quitting a crappy job in dramatic, bridge-incinerating fashion? I don't think there is! But maybe we could ask Adam, former Taco Bell shift manager, since he seems to have some experience in that department. Adam submitted his sign-based resignation ("I QUIT - ADAM/FUCK YOU :)") on Thursday night; apparently he was upset that he was denied time off on July 4, despite having worked 22 days in a row. [WIVB via Fark]

Though the little meddling wizard boy is on most everyone's mind this movie weekend, there are a couple of other things opening—things about fundamentalists, girlfriends, and a honey-mad bear, to name three—that could satisfy all you anti-Potter Death Eater types out there.

Though they seemed awfully happy performing together on American Idol mere months ago, Nuyorican power couple Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have announced that they're ending their seven-year marriage. ¡Ay Dios mio!

If you need any more proof that the hacking group Anonymous has achieved rockstar status in certain nerdy circles, check out their groupies. SexyFawkes is a porn site (NSFW) of naked ladies (mostly) wearing the group's signature Guy Fawkes' mask.

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So, campaign finance! Perhaps in need of some constitutional reform, hmm? But for now, the rules of the game for presidential campaigns are that you call all of your rich friends and have them bundle donations from their rich friends, "sometimes" in exchange for access or favors for everyone in this elaborate network of rich friends. So who's on the just-released Obama bundler list?

Nice baboons! Dead trees! Spiral galaxies! Ipad apps! Macaque alarms! Time machines! Rainbow toads! Eyeball pictures! And the latest news about the fishes and their watery friends! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—faster than you thought!

Dow Jones CEO Les Hinton—whose previous job was running the division of Rupert Murdoch's empire that is presently engulfed in an out-of-control conflagration of criminality, almost all of which stems back to Hinton's tenure there—has stepped down. We totally called this two years ago.

In March, we brought you the story of Porn Wikileaks. Built on a database of over 12,000 stolen medical records from an STD testing database, Porn Wikileaks was dedicated to destroying porn performers' privacy. Now it's been shut down, thanks to a similarly brutal campaign to expose it.