Basic cable news has never enjoyed a prouder, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"* moment than when MSNBC anchor Mika Brzezinski, soul-sick over the prospect of tainting journalism with yet another update about Paris Hilton, shredded her script in protest, plunged a handy letter opener into the heart of nearby instigator Joe Scarborough, then finally defenestrated herself, restoring dignity to a noble profession debased by obsessive celebrity coverage. Inspired by this display, CNN's Larry King is expected to drench himself in kerosene and self-immolate three minutes into tonight's much-anticipated exclusive with the heiress, leaving Hilton to cry her crocodile tears to his flame-engulfed, utterly unsympathetic form.

[*© Isaiah Washington Industries, June 2007]